A comprehensive list of every single couple you will encounter at university

Uni couples truly become the good, the bad and the ugly of student life. Whether you’re in a relationship yourself or everyone else around you is, it is impossible to miss the cliched relationships taking place around you. Every single relationship you encounter will fit into one of the following categories.

Whilst, a university relationship is totally different from any other kind of relationship you will have encountered there is no denying that they all follow very similar patterns and tropes. All the bitter single onlookers out there love to point out the gross habits on their coupled-up friends meanwhile the other relationships like to point flaws of their rival couples.

Ultimately, all you couples out there are basic and it’s inevitable you will fit into this list somewhere.

The high school sweethearts

They got together when they were 13 and their families are practically intertwined at this stage. Regardless of whether they are at the same uni or not, you will know both sides of this couple because they cannot attend a single social event without the comfort of the other.

At this point, we’re all asking is it romantic or is it just co-dependency.

The gross couple

Possibly the worst couple, nauseating for everyone in a 5-mile radius.

They somehow manage to add an unnecessary ‘w’ into every sense. “I wuv you”; “I weally want to mawwy you” funnily enough the rest of us “weally want to kill you”.

And when they’re not driving you insane by sounding like toddlers they’re turning thing into a double superlative on their socials- and fact check for all you grosslings out there DOUBLE SUPERLATIVES ARE GRAMMATICALLY INCORRECT SO NO, “My baby is the bestest” is NOT a real phrase.

The Insta couple

Basically with each other for the clout when they aren’t posing in their carefully co-ordinated outfits at Slug & Lettuce they’re venturing out into the hyperinstgrammable territories of Winter Wonderland, Southbank and the local Nando’s gearing up the post with the trusty caption at hand

“Best day with my one ❤️”

The sports couple

They met in first year at a sports social and formed a beautiful relationship out of a one night stand, a story they LOVE to whip out at every opportunity- especially freshers events where they like to remind the first years they are the literal definition of modern romance.

When they aren’t seen being overly flirty at training (most likely lax or hockey) they can be found necking off in the middle of a club. For the love of God you’ve been dating for years, surely the novelty has worn off.

The Meme Couple

Almost as a disgusting as the gross couple. They spend their time trawling through facebook finding romantic date ideas and funny lists most likely titled “Names of the best boyfriends ever” or “These guys should buy their girlfriends a kitten 2020”.

When they aren’t tagging each other in ridiculous shit on Facebook, seriously just share it in messenger the whole world doesn’t need to see your date itinerary, they’re watching some culty TV show together like The Witcher or Game of Thrones.

The Foodie Couple

Wow, we get it you know a lot about food and wine !? ConGrATulatioNs :/

For all these guys are sometimes the biggest snobs about what they eat, they throw the best dinner parties and are the couple you call on when you’re in need of TLC. From baked goods to antipasti boards to pot roasts the foodie couple will collectively have a recipe for anything and they love to flaunt it ALL OVER THEIR STORIES. Do you want to know what’s worse than seeing some mediocrely cooked food once, seeing it twice!

The kinky ones

These guys are always talking incredibly openly about their sex life. Frequently propositioning all their friends for a threesome/ orgy and about how it’s totally normal for couples to embrace polygamy. When they’re not giving you graphic details about their sex life, they tend to be erotically flirting with the other across the table at pres.

Calm down Jenny nobody wants to watch you deep throat a straw.

The messy couple

This pair will become the bane of your life if you thought it was bad having a messy flatmate try living with the messy couple. Double the amounts of washing up, random drinking vessels scattered over the flat and cleaning not done.

They are so infuriating and because they are so in love they forget to do basic tasks like taking the bins out, cleaning the shower and empty the dishwasher. Reality check, instead of your morning shag please do you washing up from yesterday.

The Arts couple

Continuously on Museum dates making it their life’s ambition to attend as many exhibitions as is humanly possible. This couple are notorious for only communicating through big philosophical ideas, and being honest it just weirds everyone else out. P.S.A. Nobody wants to talk about existentialism at pres.

These two collectively own enough vintage clothes to start a shop, would never think to buy something from a highstreet store unless it was a charity shop and can often be found reading each other poetry in parks and coffee shops.

The mismatched couple

Genuinely hard to tell whether these guys love or hate each other. Most of the time they just come across as indifferent. When they aren’t publicly fighting they’re probs having sex in the bathroom at a house party. Yeah, seriously it’s one extreme to the other all the time. You live in fear of having to spend time with this couple in a small group setting because their weird dynamic always manages to kill the mood.

The couple constantly at it

This pair is interesting because chances are you know little to nothing about them as a couple because all they ever do is bang. All-day, all night- every inappropriate time you can imagine this couple are sleeping together. Best ways to manage the horny bastards: implement a noise curfew- no sex after 2 am or ban them from your flat (save your ears).

The stoner couple

These guys literally bun, eat, sleep, repeat. Normally very sweet people, but their entire personality is weed (and on the odd occasion a stronger substance). Frequently these couples don’t drink at socials because they monged out beforehand and “don’t want to ruin the high”.

Lovely people, but very stoned, generally not the biggest conversationalists.

The Indie Couple

HaVE you HEARD of CaTFISh and the BOTTLEmen?

They can’t ever do anything mainstream. They went on a date to this coffee shop that you never will have heard of because you aren’t cool enough, they had dinner at this really cool food stand in the East End and they never go clubbing because warehouse parties and underground DJ sets are way more their scene. They definitely got together because they’re both such snobs no-one else can stand to be around their self-awarded coolness.

The Posh Couple

The posh couple is characterised by the inherently tory hobby they both share that can include:

• Hunting

• Shooting

• Sailing

• Polo/ Horse Riding

• Going to members clubs

• Skiing (competitively we aren’t just talking the annual ski trip here)

• Water Sports

The unrequited couple

To the rest of the world it is so clear that this couple definitely aren’t on the same page. One party is definitely WAYYY more invested than the other, and everybody knows it apart from them. This couple are rarely seen together because there is a high probability that one party is hanging with their side-ting whilst the other is gradually becoming more paranoid searching desperately for reassurance from their mates.

The Study Couple

Dates for the study couple literally run on a circuit: ‘study date in the library’; ‘study date in a coffee shop’; ‘lets take our work to lunch’; ‘study and chill’. Sexually attracted to each other by their intense desire to make aesthetically pleasing revision materials with a romance formed out of their burning desires for a first. These guys love studying more than they love each other.

The ‘it’s just sex’ couple

They claim it’s just sex and there’s no feelings there. What a lie. These guys are super couply on the down-low and everyone back their relationship. However, because they’re both unwilling ‘start something serious’ and ‘commit’ they insist it’s just sex.

One of two things always happens with these couples:

• They actually bite the bullet and get together 12 million years later
• One person sleeps with someone else and all hell breaks loose when they both realise that ‘it really wasn’t just sex’

The ‘perfect’ couple

Are they perfect? Absolutely fucking not. Often the most toxic of couples, these guys outwardly tell everyone they are the most perfect couple and the reality is they spend the majority of their time fighting or manipulating each other or worse gaslighting each other to the high heavens.

On social media their relationship looks ‘meant to be’, their acquaintances are convinced they’ll be married by final year but those people who have the most exposure to them know that it’s all a facade and these guys are actually really unhappy with each other. Pretty sad.