The UCL lacrosse lads set to beat Strand Poly
For the fourth year in a row
The 2020 London Varsity Series is upon us, and we’re introducing you to the teams set to destroy King’s (again). Today we’ve got the Men’s Lax team; Strand Poly won’t know what hit them.
Ollie ‘All Eyez Too Wide Apart’ Moffat (C)
Oh captain, my captain, you are perfect. Ollie YBK Moffat is the man to watch. You will undoubtedly recognise his face from the numerous posters scattered around campus, or even the UCLove posts. He has discipline, finesse and most importantly 180 degree vision. We’re excited to see his varsity performance, but more excited to see him at the After Party. If you’ve seen him in Loop or on tour, you will know that Ollie goes from captain to Renucci after a beer.
Will ‘Washed Up’ Wookey (VC)
No one is quite sure how long Wookey has spent at UCL (is it four, five or six years now?). Either way, Wookey is one of the most experienced players on the team. His terrifying eye contact is a formidable weapon in itself, and reliable sources say his playing style takes considerable inspiration from God of War. In fact, his performance has landed him on the highly acclaimed lacrosse page “washeduplaxbros”, where tens of thousands of viewers saw him flaunting his skills running through a poor fresher (RIP Marcus). Unfortunately, his new found fame has turned Wooks into a reckless celebrity at Loop; if only there was someone to send him home.
Danny ‘All-Powerful Dictator’ Saleem
Danny dominates the pitch in much the same way as he brutally dominates the club. Having suddenly realised he quite likes lacrosse in second-year, it has rapidly become his dominant personality trait. He’s known for chasing after goals – with his slippery ways securing hat-trick after hat-trick this season. King’s will struggle to contain this snakey boi; well, as long as he can tear himself away from making ‘sick edits’ of the match for long enough.
Caleb ‘Big Boi’ Burke
What can be said about Caleb? This veteran “medical student” started playing lacrosse when he was a chubby young teen, and has worked hard to come full circle back to that time, both in terms of physique and lacrosse ability.
Caleb has never lost to the boys in red despite playing in four Varsity matches, and that’s a record he will not be looking to break this March. For those of you that remember (I’m sure he’ll be happy to remind you if not), he scored the winning goals in the final minutes of a very tense game last year, and he’s been honing his side arm in preparation to repeat the feat this year.
Watch out King’s, the Burke-train is coming. Choo-(cigarette)-Choo.
Seb ‘Find Me on Hinge’ Jones
Christ, he is old. Indeed, history tells us that he was actually present when the sport of Lacrosse was invented in the 17th Century, an experience he will be hoping to channel into a spiritual performance against King’s.
However, despite his age, he is now in the best shape of his life. Expect to see this new physical prowess in action, which, when combined with his undeniable age-old wisdom, will see his abilities grow and grow as the game progresses. He just wishes his hair would do the same.
The man with the coolest name in the team, Solomon will hope to channel his elven-like physical characteristics into a Legolas-inspired performance at Varsity. As it turns out, going for a year abroad in Australia does wonders for your lacrosse ability (Kris Tombs pay attention), and although now in his fourth year, Solly is looking forward to his first Varsity experience. King’s should fear his dodging from X, although perhaps need not worry about his and Danny’s abysmal hidden-ball trick, which even Imperial 2s mocked for its uselessness. Please, for the love of God, don’t attempt it in Varsity.
Joe ‘I Have a Beard Now’ Taylor (Face)
You might not recognise Joe from previous Varsity appearances, or on stage in Rhapsody (but probably not), due to his new facial hair. This gives him the benefit of 1. Not looking like a child 2. Making the lipstick smeared around his mouth more difficult to see. Joe is our resident Captain America without the steroids. We wish he’d taken the steroids.
Miles ‘Loves Being in Goal’ Rowbottom
I’ve never met a man so enthusiastic to be in goal. Having honed his craft VOLUNTARILY playing in goal for the 2s last season, Miles is looking forward to showing off his skills on the greatest stage UCL Men’s Lacrosse has to offer him. Just ignore the fact that he has been sending not-so-subtle messages that maybe he wants to play outfield, including buying his own shorty. Don’t worry Miles, we all know you only play outfield to improve your ability between the sticks!
Tom ‘Still Can’t Finish a Keg’ Seth
Tom is undeniably the cornerstone of the Varsity squad. Making the seamless and much desired transition from defence to goal at the end of last season, he quickly developed reflexes which will, I’m sure, allow him to maintain a personal clean sheet against King’s.
Indeed, his only limitation is his unfortunate inability to finish a keg. In fact, this year he has given up both beer and cider entirely. I speak for the whole team when I say I wish him a swift recovery from this sad debilitation.
Tom ‘Maug’ Sell
Although not quite reaching 6’10 and not believing in vegan diets, Tom resembles his namesake Maug, from the sublime motion picture Crooked Arrows, in more ways than one. On the pitch he is a force to be reckoned with, intimidating the attack with. Similarly, I get the feeling he genuinely rejoices in violence, as the bruises of anyone who has ever attempted to split-dodge him testify. Put it this way, I’m looking forward to seeing Tom knock over some unsuspecting King’s boys on Saturday, although unlike Maug, I hope he does it wearing more than a loincloth.
Frankie ‘Obscenely American’ Baloh
Frank may well be the most American American I’ve ever met. Joining us for the term from his fraternity at Penn State, Frank is legitimately a defence man to be reckoned with. The difficulties of simply getting around his breadth are compounded by his unsuspectingly effective bursts of speed. If you want to know how it feels to be (questionably) checked by Frank, then Hannan can tell you all about it.
Huw ‘Hot Fresh’ Williams
Part-man part-machine, ‘hottesh fresh’ of 2018 (although rumour has it that he made it up to boost his own ego), Huw will aim to channel the rod in his spine into a defensive performance reminiscent of the Terminator. Best of luck to Kings getting around his remarkable wing span, which I’m pretty sure he has shown off in every Loop this year.
Han ‘Han’ Rhee
As far as King’s are concerned, Korea did send a nuclear weapon. This man has no weaknesses on the lacrosse pitch, but, off the pitch, Han can often be seen with multiple bruises up and down his neck after a night in with his girl. Han is prepared to send shivers down the spine of every king’s player and mock them with his signature and original catchphrase: “Haaaan!”.
Jack ‘Alcoholic(?)’ Webb
I honestly can’t tell if Jack is ugly or good looking, however the image of him with his movember moustache remains vivid in everyone’s dreams. Jack is elusive on and off the pitch, he is the dark knight of UCL Lacrosse, he’s not the hero we deserved, but the hero we needed. Like Batman, Jack responds to his very own bat signal, simply go to your local Wetherspoons and tap the button in the “Beer With Me” app, and Jack will respond: “🚀Sit tight, I’m on my way!”. Available for download at: https://apps.apple.com/lu/app/beer-with-me/id618435598
Ikenna ‘Where Is He?’ Udeaja
Ikenna is a mountain of pure muscle, unfortunately he hasn’t learned to use any of them yet. His lacrosse skills can pleasantly surprise you at times, although sometimes they don’t show up at all. What does Ikenna bring to the table, other than pints? The man can run through midfielders like they’re flies (provided he doesn’t drop the ball), and he increases the team’s average attractiveness from 5 to a 6 (King’s are a solid 4). While Ikenna makes some mistakes on the field, we always cut him some slack.
Kevin ‘BPM’ Ren
I’m worried about Kevin.
His resting heart rate is 130bpm and he is always bright red. But what Kevin lacks in bodily health, he makes up for in pure speed and stamina. Kev’s ability to be in several places at once makes him a real asset on the pitch. Provided he doesn’t have a heart attack, Kev will be running circles around the King’s players. In the same way that Kev would do anything for an internship, Kev is willing to put everything he has into beating KCL.
Eric ‘Durham?????’ Chun Wing Wong
What more can I say about Eric? What can I say at all? This ex-Durham player comes with too much Durham and not enough lacrosse. He is solid on the field, holding the team together like the older brother. From moshing at Boomtown 1984, to slamming beers outside Burger King circa 2011. Plays lacrosse like he plays monopoly, always in it for the stacks. Do us proud, fight your fears, and chef some man.
Nate ‘Male Becca’ Shaw
Although not living up to the legacy of some of UCL’s more outrageous American talent, Nate still speaks with their accent. But more importantly than anything lacrosse related, we introduced Nate to Greggs and the concept of sausage rolls, thereby making his trip to the UK worthwhile.
If you have had the misfortune of never meeting Nate, think a less-crackheady, shorter, east-coast version of Colin and you’re not that far off. I’m looking forward to seeing King’s shake at the sound of his accent as he takes to the pitch.
Hugo ‘Tank Top’ Renucci
Honestly, we’re all wondering how on earth Hugo is in the Varsity squad.
You would have thought that his sheer 6’5 mass and natural left-handedness would make him a very handy player to have on the field. Unfortunately you would be wrong. Hugo sadly lacks a number of useful skills including, but not limited to, catching, shooting, running, passing, defending, and dodging. He is however very good at Red Dead Redemption 2, and will always be down to 1v1 you on Shipment.
So come support them!
When: Saturday 7th of March (11am – 4:30pm)
Where: King’s House Sports Ground, Riverside Drive, Chiswick, London, W4 2SP
There’s also a cheeky After Party as well!