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A definitive list of people you’ll pull at Loop

Spoiler: You’ll regret them all.

The sticky light-up dance floor, the three-block-long queue, and of course the sports teams; that’s right ladies and gents, Loop is making its 2018-19 debut tonight and – other than that one time Justin Bieber walked past – everyone knows the most exciting way a night at Loop ends is with a regrettable hookup you’ll try and fail to live down for the rest of your degree.

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The basement dance-floor haunts the dreams of UCL students past and present

So, for freshers yet to experience the beauty of this UCL institution, here’s a lowdown of all the mistakes you’ll make over the next few years. For the older readers amongst you, take note of the faces you still need to cross off before you graduate.

The rugby lad

The most obvious, clichéd and inevitable of the people you'll pull, rugby lads are to Loop what fish is to chips, so if you go looking for a hookup you’ll end up with one of them eventually. Just be prepared to avoid the rest of the team forevermore, because they’ll all definitely hear about your encounter in gross levels of detail.

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The coursemate

You’ve never spoken to them before, but they’re in that two hour seminar you have every week. For some reason, a few vodka lemonades down and you’re greeting each other like more than old friends. One thing leads to another, and you’ll be studiously avoiding each other’s gaze for the rest of term.

The fake sporty one

They’ll keep going on all night about how they’re the star player of the football team but you met them when they were in the queue on their own and they haven’t been near the footballers since. The majority of us in Loop aren’t on sports teams either, please don’t embarrass yourself by pretending.

The one who knows your flatmate

You don’t know anything’s up until the next morning, when you and your flatmates are all sat in your PJs nursing strong coffee and hangovers, recounting the night’s events. Your blood runs cold as you pull up their profile and see that your flatmate’s a mutual, and their elated cackle confirms your fear as they snatch your phone off of you. Chances are you’ll run into them again but hey, maybe it’s the start of something beautiful?

The random King’s/QMUL student

They’ll tell you they came with their friend from UCL, but in reality they just wanna try their luck at a better university. You’ll spend the whole of the next day trying to convince your friends you didn’t know they went there until they sent you a friend request on Facebook.

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The one you used to live with

They were probably in your flat in halls, and chances are there was absolutely no chemistry between you then, and you probably haven’t spoken since you moved out. But the power of Loop allows you a second chance at that mistake. Aren’t you lucky?

The sweatiest human alive

I get it, Loop gets kinda hot. But how on earth do some people manage to get sweatier than they would after playing the full 80 minutes in a varsity rugby match? Gross.

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Someone who works at a UCL cafe

You think you recognise them from somewhere, but you can’t quite put your finger on it. Until the following Monday, when you’re queuing for a skinny chai latte to get you through your 9am and make oh-so-embarrassing eye contact over the till. No more subsidised caffeine for you I guess.

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