What UCL actually teaches you

UCL is a place you were excited to come to when you got your offer, three years of fun in the big smoke following a degree in a subject you were finally passionate about.

Now you’re here, this is what you’ve actually learnt.

• You will never ever find a seat in the library
• That really fit maths lecturer guy is not an accurate representation of other UCL alumni
• The word ‘cheap’ has a new meaning (£170 a week for halls is ‘cheap’, £5 for a pint is ‘cheap’)

£170 per week xx so cheap xxx

• Eduroam is the worst wifi known to man
• Uni food is shit and overpriced
• Uni coffee is shit and overpriced
• Varsity is a way of life
• You will have an abnormally low number of contact hours and still manage to do no reading for your seminar
• The Loop dance floor is the stickiest thing since your Freshers bed sheets
• No one knows why Phineas is called Phineas
• An average Loop involves either seeing every single person you know, or wondering around by yourself for the entire night

Who r these ppl

• You’ll cope with doing about 8 lots of laundry throughout your year in halls because you never have the right number of £1 coins
• All sports teams (particularly rugby) should all be taken very seriously considering all of the players are such professional athletes/national heroes
• The crowd surges in the queue of the first and last sports night of term are a legitimate death hazard
• Camden, which you once thought was a magical place, is now the last place you would ever want to be if you’re in a rush to get somewhere

Y u so busy

• Is Friday night ULU a club or? Like what is it?
• Your student loan won’t cover your rent
• You avoid going out on Saturdays because £20 club entry
• You live for £5 student nights in Dalston
• If you thought you were untidy, your flatmates are probably disgusting
• Phineas changing their £1 drinks system so you can’t get whatever drink you want on a Monday is a violation of human rights

Enjoying some v expensive drinks sob x

• The Court is a holy place
• Kings is the worst uni of all time, even if you’re not sure why
• At some stage, you’ll obliviously order a double vodka red bull in a club and the bartender says “that’s £12.80 please”. Internally horrified, you embrace your British passiveness and reluctantly hand over your overdrawn bank card
• Freshers’ Week is the most exhausted you will ever be in your whole life
• Regents Park is the closest thing to countryside you will see
• You think you’re gunna live in one of these:

Reality being you probably live in one of these:

Life

• You really appreciate fresh air when you go home
• If you’re not mega rich you’re a minority
• You look back at halls and heavily regret not appreciating how close they were to uni
• If you’re even thinking about going to Bloomsbury Gym at 5pm then you may as well turn around, get a McDonalds and go home
• And, most importantly, London is the greatest city on Earth and anyone who says “I really don’t know how you can stand living in London” is an uncultured little cretin x