Harking back to Center Parcs

It’s the last day of term at primary school- some kids are off to the Caribbean, others to Butlin’s- but everybody knew that the real ballas donned their bike-racks and headed over to Center Parcs for a long-weekend family (or families) adventure!

No expense spared in the luxury ‘Villa’

There was always something quite luxurious or exciting when you stayed somewhere called a ‘villa’- although they wouldn’t have been out of place in Tenko. The plywood furniture, 70s decor and squirrel pattern duvets were the bread and butter of any good Center-Parc’s villa. When you arrived, the most important race was the one that determined who would have the treasured top-bunk for the holiday.

Kids Club- aka The Zone of Forced Interaction for Unloved Children

It was like the first day of school all over again, ruefully watching your parents leave to do sedentary grown-up things- which you could never quite fathom but weren’t that interested in either. Although it sucked at first you soon formed a solid crew that you were absolutely inseparable from for the whole holiday.

Going off to meet the gang

Bikes!

No sitting in the backseat of the car on this holiday- here you could rep it around the forested woodland WITHOUT stabilisers. It was basically the first time that you had any form of independence- wanted to go and see your new mate who lives in 603? ‘No problem’, Mum says, probably relieved more than worried. In the evening, the bike was key for you to foreshadow your teenage years and congregate at innocuous, uncomfortable places with your new mates.

Loveably Cliche Restaurants

The main Center-Parcs complex had a real variety of restaurants to choose from- Bella Italia and Huck’s American Grill were pretty cool- Huck’s even had a play area where you could literally knock yourself out before your meal arrived. However, if the ‘rents ever asked for your preference there was only ever one answer- The Pancake House, obvs.

Welcome to the Center-Pukes Pool!

The Subtropical Swimming Paradise was humid and sticky- but it was the undoubted highlight. The adult members always contemplated how long it would take before one of the children inevitably swallows a large quantity of the Sub-Sterilised water and subsequently vomited everywhere.

Blissfully ignorant of the disconcertingly translucent water, everyone under-10 dived head-first into the 2ft shallow end, exposing themselves to the innumerable colonies of bacteria in this perfect breeding ground.

Me looking a bit ill…

The Lazy River

It was a bit boring but if you got it over and done with quickly then it acted as an efficient warm up for some of the more trickier exploits to come. Attempting to steer rubber rings three times bigger than yourself was never easy but if you and your crew managed to clamber on top then you could cruise round like absolute road-men.

Time to hit those Wild Water Rapids. 

After six successive circuits on the lazy river- one of the team proposed the rapids. By far the best part of the outdoor pool, you’d absolutely bomb it down to beat your mates and then paddle as fast as you could to do it again. 8 circuits later and you’re a team member down, you lost control and went straight into a dad’s hairy back and the abrasive surface has worn your swimming costume dangerously thin and grazed your knees. That’s the parc-life.

The long green chutes are up next.

The height restrictions threaten to divide the remaining team mates but you’ve got it covered: send Dad up first, he’ll sort out the lifeguards. You whiz down the chute at top speed, banging on the flimsy walls and hollering loudly to reassure the crew that your alive and totally not scared. No matter how hard you tried you could never barrel role in the chute- one of my friends claimed he had but I don’t believe him.

No laughing matter

The Wave Pool.
On the hour, every hour, the cry of Tarzan tells you that its’ time for the wave machine- everyone who matters will be at this ultimate showdown. Strategically placing yourself at the front of the wave pool ensures that no unexperienced or overweight competitors come hurtling into you or drag you under. This was the real free-for-all.

It’s been more than a decade now since I last hit up Center-Parcs. I’ve been to other more exotic places now and I probably wouldn’t like to go back there now anyway (what time do the clubs shut?). However a holiday around the Mediterranean will never be able to beat the magical feeling of heading to Center-Parcs during the Easter hols- still the best holiday ever!