Everything you’ll see on your Facebook timeline this Easter

So. Much. Crap.


It’s Easter, which means two things: chocolate and revision. But if you possess an internet connection and friends, quite a large proportion of that revision is going to consist of scrolling aimlessly down your Facebook feed, half-asleep, drooling nonchalantly in to your lap.

So, what can you expect to see during all those wasted hours of procrastination this holiday?

Your mum’s humour

Ah, is there anything funnier than a low-resolution picture of a minion with an inspirational message attached, or a quote about how much you love wine? Yes, yes there is. Quite a lot of stuff, actually.

You know those shops you get that sell candles, incense sticks and little wooden signs that say “This house was clean last week – sorry you missed it”? That’s your mum’s Facebook in physical form. Then there are the comments:

“Haha tell me about it Joanne !How are the kids ?.    very busy here xx Martin has just started new job xxx”

“all good here Susan business as usual will have to catch up soon ; ) Xxxx Lots of. Love!”

Throw in a well-meaning ‘share’ about a missing dog in Southern Australia and you’ve got the full set.

Reaction: Nothing really. You’re basically immune to it by now

This is classic

Those videos that moan when you play them

Just when you thought it’d finally died down and people had stopped posting this shit, one of your dickhead friends tags you in the comments of this. Rather conveniently, it’s very late in the evening, everyone else in the house has just gone to bed, your headphones aren’t in and your phone volume is three-quarters of the way up.

All of the maturity you’ve supposedly stockpiled while at uni is now irrelevant because you’ve just unleashed 90 decibels of female orgasm (only from your phone of course, you loser) into your silent household. Your parents aren’t proud of you anymore and the remaining couple of weeks at home are a bit awkward.

Reaction: Turn volume down, turn off video and throw phone away from you in one swift motion. Regain composure, return to WhatsApp and call your friend a dick

Donald Trump

Donald Trump really gets it in the neck on most social media platforms, including Facebook. Not that he cares of course, but currently around 40 per cent of all videos from BuzzFeed et al. contain some sort of desperate, ad hominem plea to try and stop people voting for him. Sure, some of them are worth a watch, but after you’ve just heard the words ‘fascist’, ‘racist’, ‘misogynist’ and ‘bigot’ repeated 30 times over it starts to get a bit boring.

Reaction: #fucktrump #feelthebern, probably

It’s an actual law

‘Tag a mate’

I don’t know where these have appeared from but they seem to everywhere right now. Please don’t tag me in anything, people might actually think I’m a zoophiliac or whatever.

It’s a cup

Reaction: Ignore at all costs

Revision memes

Just when you thought you could relax for ten minutes, BAM! Darren posts a cheeky little meme reminding you that you’ve still got seven months’ worth of revision to do, five books to read, and two daily hours of scheduled crying to fit in. Darren doesn’t even go to uni. Thanks Darren.

Reaction: Unfriend Darren

Nice meme, Darren

People on gap years

Adding insult to injury, rubbing salt in your wounds, ripping your soul out and throwing it into a vat of hydrofluoric acid, whatever you wanna call it. They’ll come out of nowhere and upload 287 (very happy and smiley) new photos to the album ‘Patagonia 2016’ just as you’re about to start your essay on the rise of Protestantism in Western Namibia. Pls stop

Reaction: Blink through tears

Those people that you’re friends with for some reason, you don’t really know why, maybe they went to your primary school or something, but anyway they continually like and share this ridiculously poor and unfunny content UNIRONICALLY to the extent where you think you should just unfriend them but you don’t, because you get some kind of weird masochistic kick out of the cringe that hits you every time they post

They’re the same kind of people that reply to shit LadBible posts with a row of crying emojis and share Britain Furst posts thinking they’re serious.

Reaction: Allergic

They’re doing yoga

People telling you how much procrastination they’re doing

Do people still do Facebook statuses? Apparently they do, and lots of them, telling everyone how much procrastination they’re doing. You drew a picture? How sweet x

Horrendous Tab listicles written by bored people trying to be funny

Hi