Which bad Valentine’s Day gift is your uni?

OXFORD: Chocolate

You can never really go wrong with chocolates, but sometimes it’s better to step outside the chocolate box. It’s a bit clichéd and people always enjoy it a lot less than they make out.

CAMBRIDGE: Roses

Equally clichéd, they’re always unwanted, partially dead and full of little pricks. It looks quite good though.

LSE: Champagne

Crack out that bottle of Moët and your date knows just how much you earn, but also how much you love yourself. At LSE it’s always a date for three; you, them and their ego.

EXETER: Jewellery

Not yet ready for true commitment, so they spend Daddy’s trust fund money on a Tiffany’s necklace and know you’ll fall in love because money buys happiness, or however the saying goes. You’ve now got a necklace to match their signet ring – lucky you.

MANCHESTER: Candles

A candle is a homely and loving gift, but probably a subtle hint your house smells of weed. I wonder whether they do scents like ketamine?

LOUGHBOROUGH: Paint-balling

Both of you are sporty and competitive, and there’s nothing like spending Valentine’s Day shooting each other with a little bit too much aggression. She did tell you to stop Snapchatting Anna…

KING’S: Perfume

Probably almost what you wanted but the smell is just that bit off, like wanting to study in London but going to King’s, so close but so far from right. Eau de Strand poly, anyone?

DURHAM: Sexy lingerie

A fun idea at the time, but it’s used once and then shoved to the back of a drawer out of disgust. You’d rather have had roses or chocolates.

IMPERIAL: Wine

The formula is always right with their gifts, but lacks any passion. Everything to Imperial is a code to be cracked and you’ll receive the perfect flavour blend to start your 40-something wine addiction early, and you’ll need it to cope with your bland significant other.

GLASGOW: Pepper spray

They’re clearly worried about your safety with all the knife crime about, so a self-defence tool is what you always wanted most. It’s sort of romantic, not wanting you to come to harm, but you’d have rather had something a little nicer.

BRISTOL: Designer bindi

You’re so white and middle class your lover knows you love to appropriate cultures, and they want to make it classy appropriation too.

UCL: Make-up

Why do men even try, they never get the right shades or favourite brands, just like how the university can never seem to do things people actually like.

Edinburgh: Anything tartan

Tartan skirt, tartan scarf, tartan dress, tartan vibrator. All the patriotic essentials.

LIVERPOOL: St Tropez

No, not the destination, the fake tan. They know you love your orange glow all through winter and it’s probably slipping round about now too.

BIRMINGHAM: A holiday

No, it’s not because they’re rich. They just really want to leave Birmingham.

BROOKES: Cheap bouquet

It won’t be roses, trust me. It’ll be that really bad bunch put next to the roses in the hope someone will accidentally pick them up and have to stick with them.

CARDIFF: A baby

It’s probably not yours, most likely their cousin’s. And theirs. You know what I’m saying. Leave that relationship ASAP.

BATH: Spa day

You haven’t already been to the spas in Bath enough, the 12th time will be different, right? There’s using what you have around you and then just being lazy.

LEEDS: Drugs

Trust me, they’ll thank you. You could spend your money on something sentimental, but all your partner wants is a dislocated jaw and sweaty under arms for the night – that’s how to nail romance.

BECKETT: A degree

What’s the point of studying when you can buy a degree of the same standard? Nothing says “I love you” like a 2:2 from Beckett.