Every excuse you’ll give your lecturer for missing your 9am this term

‘There was a cat in the tree’

| UPDATED cs

Whether it’s to a lecture, a seminar or a meeting, it’s perfectly normal to be late for your 9am, and everyone does it – some more than others. Sometimes we just have to admit to ourselves those 20 alarms going off every five minutes aren’t enough to get us up on time. As we run to uni – or walk if there’s no hope at all – our heads flood with possible excuses to make, none of which seem able to justify the 35 minute lateness. There’s just no hope, the excuses are as weak as our punctuality.

If you’re someone who finds yourself in this situation on a daily basis, you probably have a decent amount of experience when it comes to making excuses, and since lateness is something we’re all victims of, here’s a guide on nailing it everytime.

My bus was diverted

Everyone knows public transport can be temperamental at the best of times, even your lecturer will have experienced a perilous journey on a London bus or the Tube. A direct attack at their empathy will often go down a treat. Sometimes this is a bit of a clichéd response though, so make sure you add little twists to the story to mix it up a little. Try things like, “my bus was on diversion” rather than just running late, or say “my Tube terminated early and I had to walk”.

I lost my phone and therefore my whole reason for being

When your lecturer is standing there reading directly off a PowerPoint, they have no grounds from which to argue you’re too dependent on technology. Blame any and every type of technology you use on your way to uni and its failings to ensure you supply a fool-proof excuse. Here’s some inspiration for you:

• “The lift in my building broke down as I was inside it, so I was stuck for quite a while, almost 20 minutes.”

• “I tried to take a short-cut to uni but I took a wrong turn at one point, Google maps wasn’t useful either, so I kept walking and realised I wasn’t getting anywhere so I hopped onto a bus instead.”

• “One of my friends took my phone and changed the time on it, the time on my phone is actually 25 minutes behind so I was unaware of my lateness until now.”

• “There was no electricity at my flat, my phone was dead and there was no way for me to charge it and therefore set alarms.”

I was so tired from working really, really hard

Nothing will pull on a lecturers heart-strings like thinking you’ve had a real ordeal and decided to come clean. This is the most uncomfortable, but best way of making excuses. Anything sounds better than “I just couldn’t be arsed getting up”, so use excuses like these at will. Be super, super apologetic and make an appeal to tiredness to add a genuinely honest edge to a steaming pile of bullshit.

• “I actually got to uni earlier than I should, so I decided to go to the library and work, but all the hard work made me tired and I fell asleep, lost track of time and that’s why I’m late.”

• “I went to buy some coffee before getting here but accidentally spilt it all over myself and therefore had to go back home, get changed and get another coffee.”

• “I fell asleep on the bus and ended up five stops away from uni, and then I realised my Oyster needed topping up, so I decided to walk back instead.”

• “I was so tired last night after submitting an essay I accidentally set my alarm on my calculator, it’s all my fault, I’m sorry.”

Acting out of the goodness of your heart

Blame it on other people. It’s outrageous and manipulative but sometimes it just has to be done. Blame it on someone authoritative to play the intimidated victim card, like “I bumped into my tutor who had some really important information for me, I didn’t want to be rude and rush away, so I listened to everything she had to tell me,” but make sure your tutor isn’t best buds with your lecturer. Alternatively, play the noble Londoner role and drop something like this in the mix: “There was a man who was lost at the station and had a train to catch back to France, I realised it was more important to ensure he didn’t miss his train, so I made sure he was where he needed to be.”