I’m better than you because I shop at M&S

I’m sorry but it’s true


It really pains me to say I think I’m better than you – oh wait, it doesn’t. I really try not to look down on all you paupers in the ridiculously long queue at Lidl, faces miserable and baskets piled high with just OK food, but I really can’t help it.

Walking into the holy grail of retail washes all your stresses away: shopping becomes an experience, not a chore. There are no crowds, you can actually walk down the aisles, and most importantly, the food looks good on the shelves. I can actually look at what I’m choosing because there isn’t a horde of angry customers behind me, and I know when I’ve got home I haven’t picked up any bendy carrots or a limp lettuce.

How beautiful and vibrant it all looks, simply delectable

Being the ethical soul I am, I also like my fish either line caught or farmed responsibly and here I have the option of supporting the good fishermen of the world. How anyone can enjoy irresponsibly caught rocket and pesto marinated sea bass is absolutely beyond me. And if you’re worried such sustainable shopping is expensive then you’re in luck – unlike other high end stores, M&S is reasonably priced too, and doesn’t tell you things like vermicelli nests are essential (cough Waitrose).

When I get to the till I’m always greeted with a smile. The checkout has a conveyor belt and not just somewhere to dump your basket, it’s a throwback to shopping with your Mum and it’s glorious. Compare that with Lidl, where they throw your items at you from your lifeless basket as you panic pack and throw everything in to a tiny, squashed little bag. Contrast this with me, calmly packing my bags and having a chat with the till operator who’s pleasant and engaged, not just grunting how much my shopping has come to while playing on their phones.

It just tastes so good

Sometimes when I have some spare money I’ll buy myself something nice and unique, like a good fig and balsamic chutney, or maybe some welsh highland cheeses. Where else could you even get things like that than at M&S? Where else could you find such a treat? People always say to me, “but I bet you spend a fortune?”. My average weekly shop is £25 because I actually know how to shop M&S tactically – unlike the people who run in and spend a tenner on the dine in for two deal: basic bitches be wasting that money. The quality of the food is better, the shopping experience is better, there’s a wider choice of items, the food lasts longer, and I spend the same or less than other people. No wonder I think I’m better than you. I am.