A lightweight’s guide to London’s friendliest clubs to be sick in

EGG kill it

First term’s nearly over, and while everybody still seems clueless as to what the hell is actually going on, one thing has become increasingly apparent: everyone has developed an immunity to alcohol.

Everyone, it seems, except me. I am living the nightmare. Second year has turned me into a massive, massive lightweight. I’m not sure how it’s happened, but I have reached a stage where two drinks turn me into the living epitome of white girl wasted.

Sometimes this is a good thing. My nights out are generally really cheap and I can get away with not having to take out a mortgage to buy a Jägerbomb on a Friday. But the more likely and more unfortunate reality of this intolerance is I end up becoming the chunder princess I well and truly am.

Team chun

Team chun

Thankfully, the one other person who seems to also be experiencing what we hope is just a phase is my old flatmate from halls, so we’ve got quite good at tying each other’s hair up and trying to act sober in front of toilet attendants and stuff. Through this embarrassingly extensive experience, we have developed a brief list of clubs in London that are quite pleasant to be sick in, and places that you should totally avoid.

XOYO – 3/10

Pretty terrible. I was very rudely interrupted while throwing up and dragged out of the cubicle by bouncers, who took me outside and shoved me in a taxi.

Pros: They did actually shove me in a taxi.

Cons: I had no money to pay for said taxi. Result: 5”3′ wasted girl wondering around central London crying because SeaWorld are mean to whales.

Loop – 1/10

As if the bouncers at Loop aren’t already scary enough, sick really doesn’t go down well with them. They’re pretty brutal and not worried about you getting home, just about getting you out of the club pronto. Don’t do it.

Is it even a Wednesday if ur not sick in Loop??

Is it even a Wednesday if your not sick in Loop?

EGG – 10/10

If you want to be sick anywhere, it’s EGG. I felt like royalty. I was very helpfully led out of the toilet into a back room where they encouraged me to lie down on a very comfy sofa with some wavy music, be sick as much as I needed to while they fed me unlimited cups of water. I also proceeded to have an hour long nap, which they were weirdly chilled about. They made sure I had somebody who wasn’t just a random Uber driver come to pick me up to take me home and didn’t rush me to leave once. Proper cute.

Phineas – 9/10

The absolute shame. Not even a club but undoubtedly worth including. I would suggest avoiding it because it’s beyond tragic, but when push comes to shove, they were pretty chilled about it.

Roxy – 5/10

Kind of hard to judge because there’s no toilet attendants around to go mental at you or sort you out, so it’s very much up to you to leave by your own accord – or more likely your friends start kicking off: “OMG WHY DO YOU DO THIS EVERY SINGLE TIME?”

Every SINGLE time

Every SINGLE time

Fabric – 3/10

Does it even count if it was in the queue and instead of handing over your licence you proceed to start throwing up all over yourself? Meh. They weren’t buying it.

Scala – 5/10

The toilet attendants come in irregularly so if it’s just a quick TC you’re all good. If, however, you start claiming “I’M FINE” and then collapse for 45 minutes with your leg hanging out of the cubicle in a pool of your own sick, somebody will probs come find you and make you leave.