We went looking for cocaine on campus

Looking right under your noses

It’s deadline hell and you’re stressed to the eyeballs. Surely someone’s powdered their nose in the library or Phineas’ toilets to ease the tension? There’s only so much a flat white from Gordon’s can do after all.

Main Library

Where better to look than the stress sanctuary? With deadlines looming, all-nighters are becoming increasingly frequent in the hallowed Portico.

The instructions were simple enough, swipe around and see if anything turns blue. Expectations were high as we hit the men’s and ladies’, eagerly anticipating the ominous blue arrival.


We swiped the fist toilet, nope. The second was the same, and as we cycled through the toilets we slowly began to lose hope.


Not today hun x

We tried out the other toilets knocking about Portico too, but to no avail. No sniffy studiers here.



Phineas’ toilets

Surely some rogue sports-nighters have had a go in the Phineas toilets. Surely. We headed through those hallowed double doors on a Wednesday evening, Phineas was kicking and surely some of the students were too.

The boys room proved unsuccessful, not a single toilet had even a trace of the good stuff. But what about the ladies?

Why do the girls get funky toilet seats btw?

Why do the girls get funky toilet seats btw?


Why is the lid shaped like this?

What a weird shaped lid

Still no.


Now known as ‘Student Central’, which absolutely nobody calls it, we had high hopes for this Friday night haunt. Frequented by UCL students alongside the rogue eggs of Birkbeck and the ever bohemian hipsters of SOAS, this was to be the place, we’d finally have a story.

We headed straight for the ladies, ready for that ever-transcendent blue to penetrate our little wet swabs.

Hit me

Put it on me

Alas, there was nothing – not even on the little ledges in the cubicles.




So with no luck on the girls end, we headed to the gents. We tried absolutely everywhere, even the urinals, but there was still no cocaine in sight.






Where Phineas had let us down we looked to our old friends Huntley and Mully’s for a powder trail. The dingy bathrooms seemed the perfect place for coke-heads and we were optimistic as we unleashed our penultimate swab.




Still no cocaine, we really expected more from UCL.

Economics Department

This was surely our best hope. All the Jordan Belfort wannabes humming some stupid song from The Wolf of Wall Street, buzzing around the lifeless corridors desperate to get in their next summer Internship application and suck the life out of the world must be on at least a little bit of sniff.

You can see the hope here

You can see the tension here

But no. Not even the econ crew could deliver some cocaine.

It seems UCL actually is as clean as your Mum hopes it is.