Hey freshers, this is how to fit in at UCL

Follow this and you’ll make friends

Freshers week is a daunting experience for even the most well-seasoned of socialites. The second your parents piss off back to the comfort of home you’ll stand in the middle of your empty, lifeless room, looking around at the mouldy walls and stained blue carpet wondering how you ended up in this shit hole.

The good news is, things can only go up from there, and this is how to make sure they get as good as they can get.

Meeting your flatmates

You’re about to spend a year with these people so don’t waste any time getting to know them. Go straight in with a big hug and offer to help unload their bags. Do NOT take no for an answer. This will allow for ample bonding time and make a great first impression.

Take loads of pictures like this and Facebook them all


“Prinks” as your new friends might call it, are a big deal and you need to get as much booze down you before leaving for the club as possible — drinks in there are expensive.

Establish yourself as the alpha flat mate by making sure you’re always drinking more than anyone else. If you pour your new friend a drink, make sure you get one for yourself and put more vodka in your cup than theirs. Don’t fill it too much that you kill yourself, but make sure it’s enough so everyone can see what a top boozer you are.

5 bottles of wine should be the target

Four bottles of wine should be the target

Freshers nights

Ah, your first freshers night.

Make sure you are absolutely hammered when you arrive at the club and get there about 9.30. The queue will be huge by 9.45 and you don’t want that so make sure you get in before the mad rush.

When you’re getting frisked by the bouncers make some light-hearted jokes, they love it. Something like, “nope, that’s not a telescope in my pocket” or “don’t get too excited there mate” should do the trick. But crucially, make sure they know you’re joking with a cheeky wink and smile.

Now you’ve successfully made it inside, you’re ready to make some new friends. Since you’ve got in 10 minutes before everyone else you’ve got the perfect opportunity to stand by the door and greet the other new freshers.

This also doubles as a prime pulling technique. If someone catches your fancy you can drop some early game. Freshers is a time where the early bird really does catch the worm, so make sure your forward with your intentions and invite them back to yours before they’re even in.

Nobody actually goes to the Freshers events for a night out, everyone’s there to pull. Last year every single club was empty by 11.30, so make sure you’re not that person sitting alone at the bar looking helplessly in to a double vodka coke with a handful of other losers when the clock strikes 12.

Joining societies

The Freshers Fair is a great opportunity to explore all UCL has to offer, but inevitably your diary will be too full to take on every activity that catches your eye. This means you’ve got to be brutally selective.

Ask every society representative what they can offer you, and specifically what they can offer you that your others can’t. If you still can’t decide it’s perfectly reasonable, and in fact encouraged, to ask each society president to join you for a beer in the evening so you can make an informed choice.

When you finally decide what to do you’ll get an email sent to you and everyone else that signed up,  so it’s usually a good idea to add everyone in the email list on Facebook so you can quickly get to know them.

Own this

Own this

Lectures and Tutorials

Don’t be the keen bean who turns up on time for these, they always start five minutes late so people never show up until about ten past. Show up earlier and you’ll be branded a nerd by the “cool” kids at the back and they’ll heckle at you for the whole hour. Well, fifty minutes.

Photo creds: Cool kids

Photo creds: Cool kids

Also, make sure you raise your hand with questions all the time, people love it when questions are asked because it breaks up the boring lectures. You should also remember to raise your hand if you need the toilet, lecturers hate it if you leave in the middle of their presentation without asking permission first.