If you’re from London and go to uni here, do yourself a favour and stay at home


You think moving out is a good idea do you? Think the world will be your oyster?

Of course there are benefits to independent adulthood. No bedtime. Risqué posters on your wall. Nobody telling you that you smell. Or at least making you do something about it.

Yes, it seems splendid at first. Until you realise that it actually costs money. And in London, it costs a LOT. Internet and electricity are a fortune. You have to buy your water – your actual water- from Thames Someone. It’s not glamorous living in London without your parents, it’s just cripplingly spenny.

But I hear you cry, it’s not all about materialism. What about your mates? Living with them must be worth all the financial strife.

You imagine yourselves taking on the city together, bound by your camaraderie and optimism.

But the sad reality is less cosy group chats and big London nights out, and just sheer unadulterated filth.

Picture the scene – you open your fridge in your cramped London flat, only to be florred by a smell so pungent you lose consciousness.

You awaken days later, and find a timeworn Sainsbury’s bag with unknown mouldy contents. In retaliation to your friend’s negligence, you are required to do a poo and not flush.

That is your life now, accept it.



And it’s not just the filth that’ll affect your health.

It’s near impossible that you’ll achieve anything even close to a healthy diet once you move out of mummy and daddy’s and lose their yummy Quinoa. Those days are long behind you.

Most likely you’ll now find yourself inexplicably drawn to a Chicken Cottage, Chicken City, or – on really special occasions – Chicken Village. Vegetarian? Fear not, you can retire to some fine falafel establishments. My favourite is King of Falafel.

At some point on this depressing takeaway circuit, you’ll start getting homesick fast, and the joy of a regularly re-stocked fridge for free will become sorely missed.

You want the rest m8?

Alright, so London’s a big city. You might want to be closer to your friends.

Guess what, there is still absolutely no point in moving out. Want to speak to other people? Use TFL you dick.

London seems vast, but actually it’s only 35 miles across. The furthest you could be away from chumminess is one-hour drive maximum.

But let’s be honest, the most important thing is the money. Staying at home means you can avoid London’s insanely high bills slowly siphoning away your funds. Your student loan will be gone in a matter of weeks

So stay at home as long as you can. Beware if your parents are the type who feel the need to “prepare you for the real world” as well. And try to desperately talk them out of that mindset.

They can feed you while your student loans provide you with a lifestyle akin to that of a reasonably famous UK rapper.

11150889_10205708723693364_4406475781048532163_n (1)

Dat Rick Ross ting

Think of your lovely, warm, huge room, with all that student loan money in your back pocket.


Me J’C’ing on da bed

Your bed is a lovely double, your mattresses don’t have any springs poking you in the middle of the night, and you can indulge your inner nerd by studying uninterrupted, well fed and rested, with nobody to judge you for actually caring sometimes.

Your grades will thank you for it.