Meet the rugby boys who are giving King’s a beating tonight

Joshua Carter

190cm | 113kg

Fresh back from the set of Game of Thrones, Hodor has made an impact at UCL, taking time out of his busy schedule to take privileged guests on tours of his halls of residence at 2am….

 

Kit Carter-Leno

186cm | 100kg

A gentleman of sorts who went off the rails as he hit uni and joined the Front Row Union. Having moved to hooker he no longer fits in those saville row suits. Mother will be disappointed, Christopher.

 

Nick Edmonds

189cm | 133kg

Now back from injury, during which time he broke the U20s UK Bench Press record with a PB of 191kg, this record-breaking meat monster has broken more than just records with the club weight scales also falling victim to his almighty power.

Karl Nielsen

194cm | 104kg

My name is Karl James Nielsen, commander of the UCL lineout, loyal servant to the true U of L college: UC. Vanquished by the Strand November ’13, hospitalized by the rouge, I will have my vengeance in this life or the next.

 

Elliot Davis

194cm | 109kg

Part-time student, part-time grime artist, full time badman with an influential uncle. If anymore was revealed, the aforementioned uncle would have to visit you.

Billy Glover

185cm | 96kg

Proving age is no barrier and graduating isn’t for everyone, Billy hopes to use his postgraduate degree from UCL to become an overqualified pub bore. In the meantime he is looking forward to continuing to complain about young people nowadays and is planning on possibly learning some of the laws of Rugby Union.

Alex Cailleteau

188cm | 86kg

When not hosting dinners at his Primrose Hill abode, this gym-loving Parisien claims to be the scrum-half we’ve been waiting for. Fortunately a year spent floundering in the centres in Austria did not convince us of his potential to leave the forwards. He starts in the pack, where he belongs.

Paymahn Safi

188cm | 95kg

Do not let this man’s lid deceive you. Often thought to be middle aged, thankfully Mr. Khamenei saw his potential and gave him the international platform he claims to deserve. When asked who would be victorious in this year’s Varsity he replied: “Rugby always was, and always will be, the winner.”

Joe Heagerty (Captain)

183cm | 86kg

Captain Joey, the leader of this band of merry men. Unfortunately received his rejected application for One Direction backup dancer after he had already got his haircut.

Tom Brocket

189cm | 92kg

Once destined for a career in the City, this geographer turned his back on the inevitable and is pursuing a decade of consecutive Varsity appearances. Also a renowned blogger on fish movements, the B-Star’s fame continues to grow as he controls the midfield with the poise of his beloved Chairman Mao.

OluKayode Awobowale

176cm | 84kg

With a side-step and fend that any winger would be proud of, it’s not just his polysyllabic name which gives defenders headaches.

Zach Stamp

191cm | 99kg

Last seen consuming a cold lager in late December, nowadays you can see him scuttling round the main library boasting about 81% coursework. Poor.

Andrew Smith-Doctor

184cm | 103kg

In opposition to his fellow 4^th-year centre, The Doctor was last seen with a cold lager only yesterday, and is rarely seen in the library ever. That said, this burger king aficionado is always game for their “deal of the day”, and regularly picks up two for the price of one.

Tom Featherstone

 194cm | 104kg

Returned from a long weekend in Canterbury in time to make V, the resident naked pharmacist looks set to concoct a potion of problems on the wing.

James Dyer

180cm | 89kg

James “The Hammer” Dyer. That’s all.

Archie Meikle

176cm | 84kg

With the physique of a prepubescent, malnourished child, Archie has worked hard this season attempting to convince club seniors that he does in fact play in the front row. He’s surely lying.

 

Minhyuk Seo

177cm | 104kg

After his mother delivered an entire freezer filled with meat for Christmas, Minh is living up to the stereotype of a prop. With a BMI off the scale, however, the doctors might be less happy than we are with his latest ‘bulk’

 

Alex Davidson

195cm | 101kg

From the Michigan roster to the substitutes bench; a master of the line out and platonic coffee dates.

 

David Miles

183cm | 88kg

Following in the footsteps of the inimitable Jannny was never going to be easy, but Milo has developed his own particular brand of seniority, having averted an early season ‘going off the rails’.

James Morris

180cm | 83kg

With a complexion more orange than the original Sunny D, this tanning salon loyalty card holder has finally moved from the forwards to the backs, reinventing himself at scrumhalf lest he lose that perfect manicure.

 

Elliot Handler

184cm | 96kg

One of Liverpool’s proudest sons and a fugitive from rugby league. Recently gentrified, he will now often walk straight past Greggs in favour of Pret.

 

Dominic Hamlyn

183cm | 83kg

Despite the haircut reminiscent of 1930s Berlin, Dom Ham II is a late addition to the squad. His dad’s the top neurosurgeon in our solar system, don’t you know?

 

Tim Snedden

193cm | 112kg

A big kiwi with a maori tattoo that struggles with the English language, but causes a massive ruckus on the pitch. Those who frequent Phineas will recognise him as ‘that guy who keeps doing the Haka’.

Simon Riley

189cm | 84kg

Lettuce rejoice! We all know Salad is tasty, low in fat and widely disliked. But few realise choosing Salad can also cause your libido to rocket.