How to nail Regression Sessions
Get your man bun sorted
Regression Sessions – that wavey Friday night in Islington replete with ball pit and bouncy castle – is the ideal place to get your skank on and nail that 360 degree gurning motion.
Whether you’re waiting for the beat to drop, pretending you’re coming up or twerking on that fitty from your course, we can guarantee your garms will horrify your mum.
It’s time to finally respond to the bombardment of Facebook invites and step into hipster nirvana. There’s no need to splash loads of cash on your edgy new persona as it’s a look that’s surprisingly easy to nail.
The man bun
The man-bun is a vital element for any wannabe raver. Get it right, and you look like a slicked-back, swagged-up raving Adonis. Miss the mark and you might be mistaken for Miley.
Of course, the man-bun is known under other aliases: the bro-knot; the sesh-bun; and our personal favourite; the ket-bun.
“Why is his hair so big?” Because it’s so full of ket.
The 2005 PE look
Let us backtrack to the good old days of sports-brand hype. There’s nothing that says ‘regression’ like your old school P.E kit. Fila, Umbro, Adidas…if it’s not straight from the Sports Direct bargain bin, don’t bother turning up.
This look is edgy, practical and mother-approved. Those comfy soles and breathable layers make the perfect get-up for a full night of shuffling.
The next look has something for everyone; a patchwork plethora of vintage garb.
Chokers, scrunchies, and purple lipstick – what were once considered fashion faux-pas are now the staple attire.
Has a thrift shop just thrown up on you? Or are you just on point?
Channel retro Madonna – think Fresh Prince of Bel Air meets Saved by the Bell. Complete the look with a wacky facial piercing and you’re good to go.
Speaks for itself really.
Sprinkle that shit everywhere.
Forget less is more; you need to be obscenely sparkly if you want to fit in. The sweet spot lies somewhere between Ke$ha circa 2009, and a fully-fledged Fabergé egg.
Go hard or go home; lose yourself in the kid’s section of Hobbycraft.
But careful not to get snap-happy, nobody wants to see a 100 second Snapchat story of your glitzcapades (or of anything for that matter).
Nevertheless, if you’re not picking glitter out of your teeth two weeks on, you’ve not committed to the sesh.
Posh boy statement accessories
Straight out of public school, out of their red trousers and into the grind of the Islington Metalworks; these ‘lads’ would be nothing without their ghetto décor.
Follow in their footsteps and embellish yourself with ‘sesh-relics’ to commemorate the night.
Acceptable items may include dog collar chains, a feather boa, a bucket hat, or vintage Polish time-pieces.
Finally, seal the deal with the perfect Instagram – you’ve not had a good night unless you’ve got the 40+ likes to prove it.
Remember to put it through a load of trippy filters and caption it with a suitably arbitrary one-liner and remind everyone of all the personal bantz you enjoyed.
Remember that you’re cooler than everyone
Adopting a certain attitude is as important an accessory as any other. We’re looking beyond calm-and-collected; we want aloof and downright detached.
Get some practice in by standing haughtily in the smoker’s area on inferior student nights. These kids know nothing of a proper session.
Don’t forget a cautionary pair of sunglasses to help hide your wide-eyed lust for life.