We won Pi Media’s creative writing competition with a joke entry

The London Tab has scooped the golden gong in Pi Media’s creative writing competition against “stiff competition” – and won second place too.

Our winner, written as a piss-take under the pseudonym of fictitious alcoholic Charlotte Littlefield, occupies a glossy page spread in the official student mag’s latest edition.

Pi Literature asked applicants to pen 250 letters on this cryptic image

The bombastic parody piece begins: “I was swallowed into a hole of swirling waves and crushing tides.”

“My body enslaved by its chaotic thrashes. limbless and lifeless, I watch myself shamelessly lose control”

It was written in under ten minutes at Pret in Euston and concludes: “The bitter taste of red wine drowns a women’s loneliness, but my pink chassis floats to the surface.”

“My body flops but I am truly dead in only my mind.”

From our fingers to your eyes

The Tab wrote an equally verbose entry under the name Jason Josephson, which narrowly came second place.

The literary masterpiece reads: “Gasping for air, struggling like a newborn dove covered in toffee.”

“Sticky. Stop. Sweat. Slime. Shower. Sticky like sweaty silly strange me.”

“What’s wrong with me? What’s me with wrong? Who am I? Silence.”

Pi Media gushingly reviewed the piece as “really exciting” and even “experimental”.

The Tab London has informed Pi Media about the authorship of the two winning pieces.

Fuming Pi President Ben Monteith responded: “lol…well done to you”.