Review: Condoms, and lots of them

It’s that time of year again: the 24 hour time slot conjured up by the advertising industry during which we’re obliged to give that special someone some tacky crap and suffer a bit of strained romanticism. But let’s be honest here, it’s not about the chocolates; it’s not about the cheesy cards… it’s all about the copulation really.

But hold your horses Casanova! You are also a mature and responsible individual who doesn’t really fancy a trip to Marie Stopes, which is why you never forget to wrap up before going inside.

With this in mind, The Tab has selflessly dedicated itself to hours of arduous cutting-edge research in order to bring you this definitive guide to the best love gloves on offer…

Durex Extra Safe

It’s the sort of johnny you use when you and your partner are incredibly horny and, after rummaging around in various draws and cupboards, sadly have no other alternative. They are slightly thicker and the vast amount of lubricant actually reduces sensation just as much as the heavy condom itself. The man might last longer, but he might also fall asleep as well. About as sexy, stimulating and resilient as a wellington boot.

1/10

Durex Elite

A decent option for the reluctant wearer of the cock sock since it’s designed to be as unnoticeable as a few millimetres of latex possibly can be, without risking the ‘Woops I put my fingernail through it’ flimsiness of the Fetherlite. Still noticeable.

4/10

Pasante Halo Juice Sensations

Excellent for foreplay, but lacking when it comes to the main event. They come (no pun intended) in four flavours: Apple, Cranberry, Kiwi and Very Berry. Halo condoms are slightly heavy, resulting in a loss of intimacy, but ladies will appreciate the sweet, strong tastes. The Tab recommends Very Berry.

6/10

Durex Flavours

Nothing says ‘I love you’ quite like a fluorescent green erection, and after slurping our way through a cocktail of flavours including mango, strawberry and banana, it was agreed that apple was the pick of the bunch. As an added bonus, there is plenty of scope for lightsaber impressions…

6/10

Durex Tingle

Gives the same sensation as when you’ve gargled Listerine in the morning just before walking outside into the crisp morning air and inhaling deeply through your nose, but on your junk instead. Odd, but a good odd.

8/10

Durex Warming

Any apprehensions about these having the same effect as the Deep Heat prank were misplaced, but they’re hardly overwhelming either. The best punt at assimilating safety and sensuality in the bedroom so a good choice for those who wanna ‘make love’.

8/10

Durex Fetherlite

This style is male-orientated: the lightweight construction undoubtedly increases pleasure for him. However, the sheer tightness might be unsettling to those who value the child-preventing side of condoms: it feels like it might snap at any second, just like the overtly pleasured wearer.

8/10

Durex Sensation

Durex Sensations are tighter than most other condoms, which increases pleasure for the men, and slightly ribbed, which increases pleasure for the women. It’s Valentine’s Day: show your partner that you really care about their needs (whilst simultaneously satisfying your own).

9/10

Durex Pleasuremax

Looks like a Dalek in the diagram (and for more ‘sensitive’ users may exterminate things a little too quickly) but thanks to those freaky little ribs and dots the Pleasuremax does exactly what it says on the tin.

9/10

So there you have it: now you can dip into those useful fish bowls full of rubbers you find around UCL safe in the knowledge that you’re a discerning condom connoisseur. Have an orgasmic Valentine’s Day!