Why I Hate Valentine’s Day

Lauren Sutherland on why single is good and Valentine’s Day is bad.


‘Don’t make being single worse’ – wise words from Hugh Bassett as he tells us why he loves Valentine’s Day so god damn much.  Society sees ‘singledom’ as a disability; you can’t possibly partake in Valentine’s day with only HALF A HEART!?  We picture the singleton gazing through the window, mouthing the words to Christina Aguilera’s ‘Beautiful’, as a solitary tear rolls down the left cheek; with one hand pressed against the pane in a futile attempt to reach out towards a life free of crippling loneliness.  But why do we, as a society, insist on pitying our single friends.  What’s so awful about being alone on Valentine’s Day?  So, to all the saturnine singletons out there; re-hydrate, wipe that rogue biscuit crumb you were “saving for later” from your chin and step away from that compass you found in your year 11 maths set.

Firstly, to cite the age old argument that Valentine’s Day isn’t a real celebration, the festivities certainly lose some of their enchantment with the discovery that there were 12 other saints with the name Valentine, 7 of whom all died on the 14th February.  So, technically, we’re just celebrating a bunch of dead people and hoping that one of them is listening.  Also, what about the other 5 St. Valentines?  That 5th Century hermit would be turning in his grave if he came to hear that the 6th of July hadn’t been selected as the national day of love.  But if I’d been on the decision making committee, a summer celebration would have been much more appealing; better lighting and fewer clothes.

Secondly, ‘Valentine’ stems from the Latin ‘valens’; strong or powerful.  Now, that ‘Me to You’ bear your significant other proudly presents you doesn’t really scream backbone; especially not strength, as its endurance will prove poor when the disgust at receiving such a gift reveals itself in physical form.

The 14th of February marks the death of St. Valentine (one of the seven) and sadly, the 14th of February will mark the death of many a relationship.  I’ve been known to cut all ties with a love interest because they put too many emoticons in one text; the infamous ‘tongue face’ does not mean you’re a fun loving guy and the simple ‘smiley face’ just oozes desperation.  So why, I ask, should Valentine’s day be any different?  All of a sudden, it becomes socially acceptable to weep in public and socially unacceptable to consider this a deal-breaker.  Valentine’s Day seems to encourage the exchange of messages such as, ‘I love you more than cupcakes!’ or ‘BOING! My heart pops for you’; I defy anyone not to throw in the towel there and then.

So, single people of the world; rejoice in the knowledge that at no point on the 14th February will you have to stifle those inner screams of relationship imprisonment or spend the evening planning your escape while composing the perfect farewell note by arranging your recently acquired Thornton’s ‘Alphabet Chocolate Love Collection’ to read, ‘bit keen :p’.

Just bask in your short-lived freedom or perhaps spend this particular national holiday hand crafting a personalised anti-Valentine’s day card; ‘you caught my eye, you caught my heart, I caught Chlamydia’.

There’s absolutely no disgrace in being single for Valentine’s Day.  In fact, I can guarantee that you’ll be the object of much envy.  Besides, there are loads of things you can do better when you’re alone, like self-portraits or a monologue.