The Lazy Man’s Guide To Getting Laid
How to seem interesting when you’re really not.
We’ve all been there: out in a bar, club or café, scanning the immediate environment, Terminator-style, in the hopes of finding a so-called soulmate – or superficial shag. Perhaps you’re even aiming to bag/bed a partner with a bit of substance, someone with a little personality for the pushin’.
Alas, it is often the case that, having approached the girl or guy of your choice, they will ask the inevitable question, “So what are you into?” – and the crisis of self comes crashing down upon all your best laid, dubiously intentioned plans. “What am I into?” you ask yourself inwardly, as visions of wasted hours on Youtube laughing at kittens/Gangnam style parodies/people getting smacked in the balls dance before your eyes.
If you are one of the collective mass of people too busy procrastinating, drinking, vegging out in front of Netflix or moaning about your mountain of debt to add any tangible layers to your lacklustre persona, then never fear! Here is your foolproof guide to faking yourself mildly interesting, all with little to no effort involved.
STEP 1: Read a book.
No, seriously, please don’t close the article. I promise you, there are ways around this one – I’m an English student, so I know.
MOST EFFORT: Actually read a short, but classic book. The Great Gatsby is very topical at the moment what with the film set to come out, and you’ll get bonus points from your potential partner for reading the book instead of waiting for the movie. It’s definitely easier faking a keen literary mind if you’ve read the book – plus it’s fairly short, and all about partying. Other good suggestions for brief but interesting books are Jack London’s The Call of the Wild, Salinger’s The Catcher in the Rye and if you’re after something more modern, Chbosky’s The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
LEAST EFFORT: SparkNotes the goddamn thing. This has the added advantage of giving you ready-made critical analysis to blow your beau’s mind with. Dropping knowledge about Gatsby’s green light being symbolic of all his hopes and dreams and his doomed love for Daisy whilst the ghost of a tear twinkles in your eye is going to make them want to bone your tortured artistic self.
STEP 2: Drop obscure band names.
MOST EFFORT: Go and listen to some interesting and undiscovered music. Ask your friends to suggest some relatively unknown bands. Intriguing up-and-comers Haim have just won BBC Sound of 2013 and may be about to become mainstream, but the members have all got nineties grunge centre-partings and weird little bikes so they’re still probably cool enough. Also, the indie rock quartet Peace has some music videos that would make for some serious conversation fodder.
LEAST EFFORT: Just say you’re into The Smiths. There’s something about liking these Manc lads’ music that makes you seem impossibly complicated and cool. Just hit ‘em with a bit of There Is A Light That Never Goes Out – “To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.” Hey, it worked for Tom and Summer in (500) Days Of Summer. This shit gets people laid.
STEP 3: Don’t say you’re into everything they’re into.
It makes you look desperate. People like people to have their own opinions.
MOST EFFORT: Genuinely but gently disagree with their view. This does rely on a certain amount of luck. Hopefully they’ll mention that they’re a fan of an actor that you don’t particularly like, and you can put forward a considered retort to argue your case. A little friction builds up interest, banter and perhaps a smidge of sexual tension more than your reply being an overenthusiastic “Yeah, I LOVED Robert Pattinson in New Moon!” Even Robert Pattinson didn’t like Robert Pattinson in New Moon, seriously.
LEAST EFFORT: If you haven’t the faintest what they’re on about, respond with a vague “I don’t know, I personally found it a little contrived/insubstantial/two-dimensional.” If you’re talking about a book or film, bullshit about things such as the plot being too predictable or the main character not being relatable enough. Have a little fun navigating the shark-infested waters of blatant blaggery.
STEP 4: Join an unusual UCL society.
MOST EFFORT: Sign up for Bongos?! Society, Gliding Club or Magic Society, and enjoy your new hobby, knowing all the while that your acquired skills and interesting experiences are providing you with valuable pulling material. Everybody loves magic tricks, right?
LEAST EFFORT: Falsely claim that you are a member of Bongos?! Society, Gliding Club or Magic Society and therefore somewhat interesting, get you some, and then attempt to avoid your one night stand and any repercussions of your shameless lies for the rest of your academic career.
WARNING: If these steps are implemented without any degree of tact, you will most likely wind up coming across as a pretentious douchebag. As Peter Parker (a prime example of a loser who got laid due to his interesting extra-curricular activities) once said, “With great power comes great responsibility.” Use these tools wisely, my friend, and you will succeed in your pulling mission.
Or just go to Moonies on a Monday.