Staff BNOC of the Week

James Edwards (sort of) interviews one of UCL’s biggest campus celebrities.

Artist's impression

There is but one discussion currently taking place, in hushed tones, on leafy campuses and in redbrick halls across the country. The subject may be better known to you as Big Name On Campus, a phenomena as enigmatic as it is intensely repugnant. BNOC is the rustling of the leaves, the cry of the eagle as it soars, and the confusion in the eye of the fresher being violated by numerous members of the rugby team. It is, in short, the je ne sais quoi which Cowell has long searched fruitlessly for. His failure is understandable, however. Little did he think to look amongst the employees of University College London, a rag-tag band of misfits and high-functioning alcoholics who have come to embody the spirit of that elusive term.

With that in mind, we went and did some speaks with some of the most colourful characters at the university, in a new series we (and anyone else who isn’t very good at coming up with names) like to call Staff BNOCS.

This week’s interviewee is none other than the inimitable “man who guards the engineering building”, a character well known for his sparkling wit and his incredible temper. Unfortunately, when I went to interview him, he wasn’t very keen on answering any of my questions or having his picture taken, so I made up his responses and drew him looking a bit cross. Booooo!!

Do you have a role model?

Prince Harry. Any man that can survive the heat of Afghanistan while maintaining that sparkling complexion is alright with me. He’s like a Greek god, hewn from pure alabaster.

What gets you through a work day?

Scowling and breathing heavily. Well, that, and the reasonably-priced coffee in the Print Room Café (he turns and winks to an imaginary camera).

Who would you invite to your fantasy dinner party?

Robbie Savage, Taribo West, and Idi Amin. Those lads would definitely bring the banter.

Do you have a favourite album?

Easy – Now Phats What I Small Music by Phats & Small. A classic.

How do you spend your free time?

Perfecting my impression of Nelson Mandela – it’s both striking and needlessly offensive!

Who are your influences?

Just the usual really; Tom Hanks in The Green Mile, Paul Blart Mall Cop, and Sophie Ellis-Bextor.

Where do you see yourself in 5 years time?

Really getting to grips with my rap career. A couple of hit singles and then watch out world, it’s signature fragrance time!

What a lovely pretend man.