Tab Columnist Jeremy Bentham on a tough week.
Monday: I can hear a strange buzzing. I don’t know if there’s a fly in my cabinet or if I’m having a stroke.
Tuesday: By my powers of deduction, I have reasoned that I can’t be having a stroke because a) the buzzing has lasted over 24 hours and b) I’m dead.
Wednesday: I have been brushing up on my Spanish so I can ask Consuela to remove the fly tomorrow #googletranslate
Thursday: Rubbish day. This is how it went: “Consuela, Consuela, there is a fly in my cabinet!” To which she replied, “Shhh, don’t say it so loudly, all the other stuffed revolutionary thinkers will want one.”
Friday: Tough day. Fly died. Feeling lonely.
Saturday: Consuela’s having a party tonight. She didn’t invite me. Watched Take Me Out instead.
Sunday: Thought I would go to the Union and get a pint to cheer myself up but then I remembered that a) Phineas is closed on Sundays and b) I’m a stuffed corpse locked in a glass case.
64 per cent have been sexually assaulted before or know someone who has been
Boycotts of London clubs are taking place on October 27th and November 5th
‘Where are all the black people at?’
I hope I never have to listen to anyone talk about crypto again
Sidney Webb House residents have sent Whatsapp group messages about the silverfish
The deadline is Monday 1st November
Embrace the price tag, you’re in London darling don’t kid yourself
Students and staff are protesting this decision
Feautring Mr Worldwide in his true form
Stereotyping? Don’t know what you’re on about
However it won’t be all lines opening
Several witnesses claim the student shouted: ‘Shut up you dumb black bitch’
‘Why didn’t I go to a cheese and wine night instead?’
‘Everyone needs to hear the harsh realities of our lives as women’
‘Generation One offers everyone the chance to understand the science behind the issues facing our planet’
A reminder to take care under the wraths of Covid and uni stress
Police have made no arrests and enquiries are ongoing
She met with researchers from the IOE and Faculty of Brain Sciences to discuss their ‘landmark early years study’
Moral of the story – go to UCL
She’s on course to be one of the most successful Islanders ever
Obvs I want to be mates with Kirk
If you get full marks you’re as much of a creeper as he is
The top two dominated the votes and it was CLOSE
They’re so good Joe Goldberg has locked them in his glass box to keep forever
And how to add the other stickers to your story
Tell us how you really feel about your safety on campus
The couple have reportedly said they will never return to their Manchester home
Even Joe Goldberg has forgotten some of these people
‘Gender bender, cis-tem offender’ is better than anything Shakespeare ever did
The winner had over a quarter of the votes
This show will never stop giving
And where you can listen to the full song
Ok this cast is pretty wild
He reportedly wants thousands in compensation
Jamie Laing has always had a cheeky smile
Charity didn’t hold back when she told The Tab about her experience
You have to be one of them, I don’t make the rules
She’s really been running riot out here
Yes everyone is getting Squid Game costumes
When Drag Race is casting all genders, why is RuPaul still commenting on queens’ tucks?