UCL’s Worst Merchandise

Welcome back, dear readers. The days may be lengthening and the nights not quite so bitter, but London remains the same fiendish hell-storm of Stylist-peddlers and angsty commuters you left behind. Is there a better way of celebrating your return than by heading on down to the UCL shop (or online here) and buying piles of unpleasant rubbish hitched tenuously to your own star? I sincerely doubt it, which is why I made you a list of some of the best items. Come, let’s gently mock them together.

There’s a reason why the university hoodie is, for some who attend, such a wardrobe staple; it’s warm, comfortable, and easy to shoplift with. Sure, you might not wear it as well as this pair of hunky monkeys, but I’ve heard that girls/boys back home have a massive hard-on for students not quite scholarly enough for Oxbridge. For extra fun points, put it on and walk up and down the Strand in the hopes of goading KCL students into an impromptu Guys and Dolls style face-off.

If there’s something we all agree on, it’s that we all have eyes. Sometimes they need protecting from the harsh glare of the capital’s sun, which is where this stylish headwear comes into its own. Available in 4 sassy colourways, it’s as functional as it is fashionable, and a must-have for those who want to celebrate their choice of alma mater through the medium of foreheads.

Make friends and family think you’re holed up at the heart of the action, rather than in stinky old Camden. University Street, presumably an offshoot of Ihopedadcangetmeajobinmarketing Road and 3yearsofilladvisedfacialhair Alley, is in reality a pretty rubbish side-street on the way to Tottenham Court Road. Thoroughly unexciting place it is too. As far as I’m concerned, the kind of person who hangs this up in their house is the kind of person that kills birds for sport.

Let’s get real for a second; university is a place of learning, and you totally need to do some at some point. Use this UCL-branded Filofax to log your important appointments, reminders and homework assignments. Why don’t you try it instead of inhaling Pringles in front of Road Wars, you awful caricature.

Dominoes is the game of the people (suck it, darts), and it’s a fitting honour to the institution’s proletariat roots that they’ve come up with their own variant. Relive wild fresher nights spent huddled around the tiles by picking up a set, available now for the princely sum of £14.99. Pals that might pretend to tolerate your whimsical (annoying) choice of leisure activity not included.