How to Lose a Girl in 10 Ways
The male fashion taboos that will send your potential pull back to the suppressed memory of those awkward and lonely teenage years.
First impressions are always important for those metrosexuals who want to avoid a fashion faux pas. Unless you are as cool or quirky as Alexander Wang, Marc Jacobs and the like, here are a few things a straight guy should never sport if he ever hopes to attract the opposite sex:
The same goes for any surfer slogans and other supposedly witty comments that suggest you’re trapped in the immaturity of 15 year olds. Or, this is pretty self-explanatory, a tucked in T-shirt. Instead, invest in a slim cut, plain white (burgundy and navy are also synonymous with sexy) T-shirt paired with jeans that will instantly seize the attraction of the opposite sex. Simple and groomed is the way forward to show that casual sophistication – but beware, wear a T-shirt too tight and too low cut (we do not want to see your chest hair poking out thank you very much) and we will think you’re batting for the other crowd at Soho. Don’t cover up too much either – turtlenecks are not a solution to the cold weather, we’d much rather a plain scarf.
No galaxy prints, animal designs, paisley or colourful batik please. You might think you’re hipster, but you just look like that odd geek with a neon printed shirt/T-shirt/trousers/harem pants trying to look cool. Trying never looks good, effortless does. This goes the same for checked trousers – are those PJs or did you have extra material from your kilt?
It doesn’t matter how good your body is (ok, it matters a bit) but vests, especially with tracksuit bottoms, are only excusable during exercise, as an under layer, or when slouching around. Do not wear in public please – especially if your trackies have that tacky white strip down the side which screams “chav”. In fact, trackies themselves, sitting loosely on the hips with boxers out, should also be banished from the male form when out and about – they only highlight a certain idle scruffiness and sweaty inclination which has no appeal.
Cargo trousers and shorts
They are not cool, they should not be sold in shops, they are not flattering, do not wear them – especially at ¾ lengths. ‘Nough said. But do not opt for the other extreme of tight shorts or man jeggings either or the only attention you will be getting would be from the same sex.
This is by definition anything past knee length – by then it doesn’t really matter what coat it is, but fur coats and trench coats will particularly scare off not only women, but any human being as you will look like a paedophilic flasher. A sharp peacoat, relaxed duffle, or short puffer (not overly inflated or glossy) jacket should shield you from the wind.
Getting laid will only be a matter of seconds in a suit (think Harvey Specter’s ensembles in Suits) – unless it’s too large with spacious shoulder pads which will only emphasise that it’s a borrowed suit and you’re a lost kid. Structure is key to avoid looking like you’re drowning in your own clothes. One should never wear a suit without a special occasion anyway, so for a more casual look, opt instead for a fitted blazer over any simple top and jeans, and you’ll still ooze sex appeal.
Beanies are do-worthy (pun intended) but flap caps and fedoras of the like are only acceptable if you’re acting as someone’s grandpa in a play or going as Sherlock Holmes for a dress up party. This should not have to be mentioned but backward baseball caps are also very last century.
We don’t care how tattered your trainers are but sports trainers are (shock horror!) only for sports. Crocs should be avoided at all costs; ‘comfortable’ is not an excuse as neither fashion nor sex are about comfort. Similarly, although this should not be a problem as London is not blessed with sunny weather in winter (but when the time comes or if you’re heading somewhere in the Caribbean this Christmas), save yourself some dignity and do not wear those over-advertised woven gladiator types with multiple buckles or the Velcro hiking sandals one only sees on Discovery Channel. Boat shoes make much more chic summer footwear. And for winter invest in some boots, smart brogues, or dark coloured leather sneakers if you haven’t already. Muggs (man Uggs) are forbidden!
Excess of beauty products
No denying that the right hairstyle is important but there’s no need to smother your hair with hair gel/wax/spray. Not only is the hedgehog look unappealing, but no girl would want to make out with you, arms around your neck, hands reaching up to pull your head closer…only to find greasy hair gel all over her hands. That will not lead you anywhere near her bedroom, nor will too much cologne. It’s important that you smell good (either of cologne or general cleanliness) but do not be the one whose cloud of cologne stinks up the whole room.
Too much detail
Over-accessorising and flashing your gold won’t attract the type of girl you’re after. As already stated, clean-cut, trimmed looks in simple colours are the way to achieve a subtly sexy and understated cool appeal. So that means yes to plain or striped scarves, leather belts, steel watches and cufflinks (when necessary) but no to diamond studs, stretched lobe rings, clunky chains and any bling. Avoid wearing too many leather cuffs or cords with shells on them and clothing that feature fussy adornments such as tassels, zips and embroidery.
* Note: some of the above might not apply when girls are too inebriated to notice, e.g. at the Roxy on Sports Night and/or if you’re a Ramsay guy