How to become a BNOC

Being a Big Name on Campus is not just a title; it’s a way of life. You become a caricature of yourself, an ubiquitously talked about identity, subject to as much hate as there is universal admiration. Therefore, before you embark on this journey I must warn you, the road is rough. You may lose your friends and you may lose your dignity.

Ha, I hear you say, friends are merely a status symbol for Facebook: 1,000 nobodies to show that I, I am somebody. And dignity, please, who needs that when you’ve got the talent to stir rumours, most of which are true, yet still be respected by all. The BNOC strives to be powerful and to be legendary. After all, it’s not about being liked, it’s about being worshiped. So if you are ready to transcend your menial existence into university-wide stardom, follow these tips to become the idol of your peers.

1.       Hunt out your equals

BNOCS only socialise with BNOCS, fact. How often do you see a BNOC next to a nobody in their cover photo? Never, they only befriend those who are worthy. Almost like the Illuminati  their secret unspoken alliance will never be broken. So to get on board the popular train, you’ll need to upgrade to first class.

2.       Have a defining feature

Visual idiosyncrasies allow you to be easily identifiable, they lend themselves well to trends and they become your very own trademark. Think of yourself as a brand; any external quirk is the logo. So I’m talking vintage one-of-a-kind glasses, bright red lipstick and, the most effective sign of a BNOC, the beard. However, don’t over-complicate or overload yourself with statement characteristics; you’ll just end up looking like a Hipster. And nobody wants that.

3.       Don’t just have sex with lots of people

A common misconception: those on their way to fame often believe that in order to get your name around, you need to have slept around. Wrong. This will result in you being classified as a ‘notorious BNOC’, someone who is not admired but sought out by first years to satiate their fresh appetites.

4.       Speak with mystery

An accent that says, ‘I was public schooled, however have also traveled to far exotic lands, lived in the villages and picked up some local Swahili dialect’ should do it.

5.       Be part of High Society

Often in University, the BNOCs are at the top of the food chain; presidents of the inner circle societies, editors of newspapers (aha), sports captains etc. So start small, say…Social Secretary…and by your third year you could be heading one of the biggest by-products of the UCLU.

6.       Be Ironic

Walk around wearing a t-shirt with ‘#BNOC’ on it. Self-awareness is cool so the more you embrace it, the more you’re respected. People may say you look like a douche bag, but learn to ignore these nay-sayers; they simply can’t comprehend your confidence, your charm and your satire.

So my friend, being a BNOC is hard work. It’s a lifestyle choice which can be both self-glorifying and self-destructive. Therefore, before you explode onto the scene, make sure you’re prepared for the chaos, the stress and the disorder that will inevitably ensue. And remember, no matter how big a bomb you are, you’re the one who’ll have to clean up the mess at the end.