Top 7 Fresher’s Sex Positions
The Tab’s animated guide to Fresher’s Week fornication…
Freshers’ Fortnight, a time for drinking, winking and then not thinking. Over the next couple of weeks, you’ll find yourself wanting to have sex with every blurry moving organism, many of which you may grind on for long enough to actually get them into bed. And you know what? Good for you.
There aren’t many times in life when we can really throw caution to the wind and see sex as a meaningless fulfilment of our animalistic desires. And since it’s very unlikely that you’ll be getting an orgasm, you might as well get a bit of experience. So the mission? Forget missionary. Save that for when you know what you’re doing. For now it’s all about experimentation; after all, one night stands will always be awkward so you may as well make them memorable.
1.The Single Bed Squeeze
Single beds are small. Single beds in halls are smaller. But instead of trying to ‘put it’ amongst a melange of limbs, use the limited space to your advantage by trying some against the wall, side by side action.
2. The Fabric Fondle
Are you surrounded by blaring dubstep, strobe lights and MDMA? Congratulations, you have stumbled your way into the Freshers’ Holy Land of Fabric; the ridiculously far, ridiculously expensive nightclub that keeps you awake until 6am. So whilst that breakbeat pounds your eardrums, you may as well pound at someone against a wall. And amongst all the vomit and vodka, no one will even notice the extra bodily fluids on the floor.
3. The BT Tower
In order to ‘do a BT Tower’, you need to ‘do’ a ‘tower’. No, I’m not suggesting you develop a fetish for buildings; you just need to have sex with a freakishly tall person. After all, that familiar phallic landmark is always proudly erect and you should be too.
4. The Bog Boff
Sex in a toilet in a club? HELL NO. My public school education taught me far more sophistication than that old boy. Well, you’ll be surprised how often your carnal instincts just won’t wait for the cab ride home. Although tricky to manoeuvre, this position can prove to be pleasing for both parties. However, a word of warning; make sure whilst you’re fulfilling your sexual urges you resist all other ‘callings’. There’s such a thing as too messy.
5. The Catered Halls
Let’s take oral sex to a whole new level. This position requires props, as ‘the feaster’ should be sitting on a chair with salt and pepper at the ready whilst ‘the feastee’ is laid bare on a table with legs open wide. Since you’re only allowed up for one serving make sure you take all you can eat. Just avoid the garden salad.
6. The Self-Catered Halls
7. The Flaxman Gallery
The iconic image of our university is now transferable to the bedroom. Although the Flaxman is most famous for its appearance in a certain Christopher Nolan film, I’m more concerned about another kind of Inception. A great position for both performers and perverts alike, two participants need to form a circle that enables oral/finger/toe stimulated sex, whilst the third person represents the statue in the middle and watches.
So for the next two weeks, trade in that Textbook for the Karma Sutra. After all, who needs Moodle when you can canoodle?