UCL Sinking Like a Lead Balloon
It’s just too heavy
In a recent survey of English, Scottish, Irish and French universities by East German think-tank Straftäter, UCL was found to have the heaviest lecture theatres, teaching rooms and, perhaps most upsettingly, halls of residence. Prompted by a 2010 study into the damaging effects of heavy facilities on learning, the survey paints a worrying future for our beloved institution. It has been suggested that the amount of students that miss out on a first class degree as a result of this weighty issue could be as high as 15%, with the department most affected being Biomedical Sciences.
Second to UCL came the Sorbonne, Paris, whilst Keele was a close third in the weight stakes. The university that had the lightest facilities was unsurprisingly Loughborough University, after weight-reducing measures were taken in 2008 amidst growing fears of problems. It also benefits from having state-of-the-art sports facilities which are made from so-called “new materials” – much lighter than the materials used to build Shenley.
On what is an issue that is likely to arouse a great deal of concern, many emails from anxious students have been sent to the upper echelons of the UCL hierarchy, but no response has yet been received (at time of writing). A prominent lecturer in the Department of Earth Sciences has branded the problem “a real nail-biter” and continued to say “things need to change”.
As far as the facilities are concerned, the heaviest building on campus is the Christopher Ingold and the heftiest hall of residence is Ifor Evans. A first year resident there, who happens to study Chemistry, said “when I first moved in, there was something not quite right about the room. At first I thought it was my mattress but after a few weeks it dawned on me just how heavy my room was. I felt the same way about the Ingold…it’s…far too heavy.”
There is a feeling amongst the staff that an accord must be reached soon because as fees go up, students will inevitably be demanding less weight. They should be thankful that we are only paying £3000 per year; otherwise, this ship would have sunk earlier – probably because it is (metaphorically) made of lead or another dense substance. Some corners of the student community have called for another occupation of the Jeremy Bentham Room, but others have deemed this as “ludicrous” because it will only serve to make it heavier.
The University College London Campus Weight Committee for Action Against Possible Weight-Related Learning Issues (UCLCWCAAPWRLI) has been hurriedly set up, comprising of one lecturer and one student from each department. Do not fret though, meetings are held in Foster Court (the lightest edifice) so as to avoid any excess weight being in any one place at any one time. Touch wood (*touches own head*) a solution will be found as soon as possible. Any suggestions are welcomed by the committee (UCLCWCAAPWRLI).