Barman, make it a double

People always say that history is written by the victors. But UCL 5s nearly drew their last game of the season – and that wouldn’t have stopped me writing this article.

The potential embarrassment of losing to bottom-of-the-league Imperial 5s was avoided as UCL scraped a narrow victory. Imperial 5s were left clutching their wooden spoons, whilst UCL 5s were crowned champions of the Men’s ULU Division One.

The game itself was a fairly drab affair, with defensive errors rife and attacking flair a distant memory in the absence of cultured midfielder Daniel Garcia and his partner James Walters (on pitch relationship only).

Imperial 5’s romped to an early lead with a well-struck effort, but quickly found themselves under the cosh. After some great work from loanee Doug, Tom Graver found himself some space on the edge of the box and bent home the equaliser.

The sides went in to half time at 1-1, much to the dismay of caretaker-manager Mark Howat – who was left tearing out what little hair he has left (metaphor). After the break, his rallying cries seemed to have been answered by the boys-in-blue, as star-striker Mo grabbed himself a brace.

Mo’s form fluctuated between that of a role model for Samuel Eto’o and an Ade Akinbiyi impersonator. He spurned a series of glorious chances, somehow not managing to beat the flailing and un-coordinated efforts of the opposition goalkeeper. It was agreed by all that the Imperial 5s goalkeeper couldn’t keep bees. It wasn’t just a bad day at the office; he probably shouldn’t even have had a job at the office, unless it was cleaning the office before the real workers came in. In fact, some would say he shouldn’t be working at all. I think people like him can claim benefits.

Social welfare aside, Imperial 5s managed to pull a goal back, setting up a tense finale to the game. UCL 5s managed to hold on to secure a famous – but not infamous – victory. Mark Howat’s toys were very much back in the proverbial pram.

After the game, fifth-year medic Tom Graver had this to say about the match: ‘It was a game of two halves. There was the first half, and then the second half. We didn’t play extra-time. We didn’t do penalties’.

Their dominance of the league, combined with their triumph in the Men’s Plate on Sunday means that the trophy cabinet at UCL is looking rather full this season. At least it would be if they had been awarded a trophy for their league endeavours. Or if they had a trophy cabinet for that matter.

Mark Howat was left feeling proud of his team’s achievements, lauding the squad in the post-match interview: ‘It’s been a long and really hard season. Some moments were hard to swallow, but we came through in the end. Semen.’