5 tips to get a first class degree.

1. Water
Drink shitloads of it. You are basically made of the stuff and when you don’t have it you’re on a highway to a headache…. And constipation, which leads to piles. Having piles and a headache will not help you get a first. So drink water.

2. Coffee
This is pretty much your ticket to bi-winning. A cup-load of the good stuff and you’ll be on top of the world. Be warned though, it’s a little like tequila. It’s all great fun until after the eighth shot. Expect the shakes, the shits and hot sweats. You can win everywhere if you bring a thermos flask to avoid paying but then all your coffee will taste like old coffee. On a serious note, avoid print-room coffee at all costs; last guy I know who ordered a macchiato got a butt-load of the BAD stuff. Seriously.

3. Smart-Pills
For those who want to have their cake and eat it. Ask your American friends about these versatile little numbers – Adderall, Provogil, Ritalin. They'll keep you going to the break of dawn without so much as a yawn. Too busy living the student dream? Don’t worry about a thing, pop one of these and you’ll be two thousand words the richer. Want to work hard and play hard? Try drinking on these after a super-hard-library-session – it’s guaranteed to leave you with that tenth-pint refreshment. On the flip-side it’s illegal, untested on healthy people and completely addictive but don’t let that spoil your fun.

4. Facebook Blocker
The big blue bastard. For those who clicked accept and now keep a random person in their home-feed because, fuck it, it's like watching reality television. 'Stay focused'. Google it. It's like having your mum hanging over you the whole time – reminding you that you came to University because you wanted to learn. Don't fret, you can still allot yourself a given amount of time everyday, it just means that you have to stalk through pictures of your ex slightly faster than you did before.

5. (Fake) Library Friends
This is tactical. Before exams, if you are going for gold, then you need to start hanging out with clever people. These pros have most likely been in the library for much longer than you have, they walk the walk. Start copying them. Follow them on their coffee breaks and beg for academic tit-bits. Make sure you groan about how much work you have and start using big words. In this type of company everyone will be impressed. Keep your eyes on the prize though; these guys aren’t your real friends. When exam time comes around you need to ditch those suckers. It’s all a waiting game. On the morning of the exam drop a subtle hint about a last minute essential reading. The first is yours for the taking my friend.