How to get Expelled from UCL
When it all gets too much, don’t mosey on down to the Welfare centre and get some free cake, just get yourself expelled.
So it’s that time of the year. You’re probably well on the way to missing your essay deadlines. If you hand it in 1 minute past the deadline 10 marks will be deducted. By tomorrow morning that’ll be 15. In a week it’ll be 20. Even worse, as you stare at your essay mark next term, at that Big Red Third, you’re wasting precious time as exams roll ever closer. In 8 weeks, most of us will be finished. What an appalling thought.
But it’s okay. There’s a way out. When it all gets too much, don’t mosey on down to the Welfare centre and get some free cake, just get yourself expelled. Then it’ll all be over. In this article The Buzz pores over UCL’s Penal Code; we tell you what offences can lead to expulsion and how to navigate the minefield of warnings and the occasional oral disciplinary.
Disciplinary offences consist of, among others:
1) Disruption or improper interference, whether on UCL premises or elsewhere, with the academic, administrative, sporting, social, cultural or other activities of UCL;
2) Obstruction or improper interference on UCL premises or whilst engaged in any UCL activity with the functions, duties or activities of any student, member action likely to cause injury or impair safety on UCL premises.
3) Violent, indecent, disorderly, threatening or offensive behaviour or language on UCL premises or whilst engaged in any UCL activity;
4) Fraud, deceit, deception or dishonesty in relation to UCL or its staff or students;
6) Sexual, racial or other kind of harassment of any student, member of staff or other employee of UCL or any authorized visitor to UCL;
11) Behaviour that brings UCL into disrepute
12) Failure to disclose name and other relevant details to an officer or employee of UCL in circumstances where it is reasonable to require that such information be given.
The Buzz sees clauses 1,2,4, and 6 as a step too far for the wannabe dropout.
However, clauses 3,11 and 12 seem like perfect opportunities for expulsion.
Clause 3 of the Disciplinary Code: ‘Not allowed any offensive language on UCL premises or whilst engaged in any UCL activity’
As far as we can see repeatedly screaming ‘fuck’ in the Gustave Tuck should do it. For this first offence, we would be hit by:
Disciplinary Procedure A:
‘An Oral reprimand by the Dean of Student Welfare’.
We assume they’ll be washing our mouths out with soap and water. What else could an oral reprimand in the Penal Code mean?
Clause 11 of the Disciplinary Code: ‘Behaviour that brings UCL into disrepute’
Well this is an interesting one. Where to start? If you were a dictator, you could donate significant funds and then go on an indiscriminate killing spree. Or maybe LSE and Gaddafi got there first.
Or how about we set up a secret society (not the G7), like Yale’s Skull and Bones society, when George Bush Jr drank George Bush Sr’s semen as an initiation ceremony.
Clause 12: ‘The failure to disclose your name to an employee of UCL’
This seems slightly absurd. Refusing to acknowledge your name during a Seminar registration is grounds for Disciplinary Action? Regardless, we at The Buzz like to be inventive so we think the best way to break this would be to utilize Library Ken, or The Dictatorial Lord of Hades, depending on how often you’ve been fined by him.
We’ve all been there: ‘What’s your name? I’m fining you’.
As he ambles over and reaches for the dreaded slip: the fine slip, the expulsion driven student looks at him dead in the eye, an unblinking stare, and refuses to utter a single breath. He asks for their name. Again. Again. He screams, he cries. He cries. Still no name.
We feel this offense would fast track the student to:
Disciplinary Procedure F:
‘An order of service to UCL. i.e. weeding the gravel, photocopying for departments etc’.
Hang on. There’s a significant difference between photocopying and weeding the gravel. One is mildly pleasant and relatively easy work. The other is unpleasant, slightly pointless and, if performed inside UCL’s grounds, pretty humiliating.
If you successfully contravene these 3 rules, then you will have absolutely no problem getting expelled. We wish you luck.