Like magpies, people are easily distracted by shiny things

‘Apple unveils hi-def iPad’, ‘Canal Torso could be Soap Actress’, ‘Ferry and Cargo Vessel collide’; as of 10:30pm these are the three most-read stories (respectively) on BBC News’ website. On a day when a bomb in Afghanistan killed six British soldiers (a story that could only reach a pitiful sixth place), the story that piqued the general public’s interest the most was the unveiling of Apple’s newest oversized novelty iPhone. Shame on you public, shame on you!

As a staunch contrarian I am a firm believer that all of Apple’s products are overpriced status symbols (except maybe the iPod, they’re pretty nifty and, as I own one, I am obliged to lavish praise upon it for fear of being labelled a ‘hypocrite’ and driven out of town by an angry, tech-savvy mob). The iPhone, whilst innovative, possesses a design I find baffling – as if when drawing up the blueprints some genius (I’m not referring to an ‘Apple Genius’) said, "this is great and all, but we need to find a way to make it more prone to shattering…let’s cover half of it entirely in glass! Boom, problem solved, pass the cocaine".

The iPad, as I’ve said, is just an oversized iPhone masquerading as a computer. It has the portability of a laptop and all of the easily breakable-goodness of an iPhone. Macs may look sleek, have an excellent interface and run like a dream, but they sure as hell can’t crash when you try and install third-party software like a good ‘ole Windows PC can.

So why do people care so much about a new obese iPod? This Luddite honestly can’t tell the difference between the various models of iPhone or iPad, and the only reason I can tell the difference between those two products is the size. Does this new iPad contain some kind of revolutionary features that the previous models lacked? Once Steve Jobs died did everyone at Apple go, "you know what, screw it, put a blowjob dispenser in every new iPad"? Or is this just Apple, yet again, taking advantage of people’s baffling need to have the newest, shiniest thing so that they can go show their friends how their new, shiny thing is slightly newer and shinier than their friends’ comparably less new and shiny things?

Here’s food for thought: maybe people aren’t that interested in the new iPad – maybe they just wanted to read an article that didn’t contain the words ‘bomb’, ‘unrest’ or ‘disembodied torso’. Maybe the iPad story is just the closest thing that the BBC News website has to a fluff piece. Regional News (Look North being my own source of barely-newsworthy local stories) always contains fluff pieces; usually the majority of the stories are such. What BBC News lacks is heart-warming stories about pet tortoises running away but finding their way back home again and local middle-aged men who’ve decided to cycle across England for charity. Maybe in the midst of all the death and despair the iPad story was the closest thing to a heart-warming story that the BBC had, shining out like a beacon enveloped by darkness.

As a bitterly cynical misanthrope, however, I instead choose to believe that: A) People are fundamentally moronic. B) They care more about gadgets than important world events. And C) Only people (such as my illustrious self) who occupy their time reading and complaining about all the misery in the world rather than about Apple’s latest doodad (only the reading part applies here, the complaining is optional) have opinions worth listening to. Now that I’ve finished writing this on my perfectly functioning PC, I’d just like to say that(Error:Applesucks.doc could not be read. System will now shut down.)