What to Wear to Get Laid When Dining in Halls

Throughout the life of a man, in the many circumstances he will encounter, he will find a unifying desire to guide him on his journey. This being the desire to enter one of our opposite number (or two, or three… etc.). However, the ultimate question that has puzzled mankind’s greatest thinkers from the time of Plato to the present day is how to satiate such a desire. Well, in the context of dining in halls, I can offer three style tips to help, based on exhaustive empirical investigation.

Firstly, the thick rustic jumper is a sure success. Giving the impression that you’re the sort of person who could work on a farm or as a lumberjack, either way, being the sort of guy who could feature in a countryside-based erotic fantasy. Onlookers will also consider it likely that the jumper in question will be concealing powerful limbs that you’re too modest to expose to the world. Modesty and power being two attributes that are sure to get you laid.

Secondly, taking time out from your busy schedule to grow facial hair is a must if you’re attempting to become the ultimate halls dining player. A crucial tip I would offer would be to ensure that the hair is generously distributed on the face, enough to give the impression that you’re not aiming to attract the attention of females 13 years younger than those you actually desire (I hope). It is commonly believed that only sophisticates have facial hair. If you want to join that privileged group, and in the process have access to those who desire the delicate touch of its members, facial hair is the way to go.

Thirdly, large glasses, no longer the reserve of the actually intelligent, are now available to the sexually-frustrated masses and are another key weapon in your relief-acquiring arsenal. Glasses can be considered a sign of spending long hours in the library reading Wittgenstein and Frege and this is the impression you want to convey. The perfect man comes across as a sort of arousing version of Rain Man and, as such, wearing exaggerated vision-enhancing devices are necessary to make it seem that you fit this criterion. Frames are preferable, as otherwise your attempt to deceive those searching for a man with wisdom and culture will be too obvious.

In conclusion, a combination of utilising thick jumpers, dense beards and exaggerated glasses will ensure that you can get the woman(s) that you need.

Congratulations, you've pulled.

Thank me later.

Photographs by Rachel Wong