The Top Ten Places to have Sex on Campus
Where to bang in Bloomsbury…
So you saw sex in the title and clicked immediately. Congratulations, you clearly belong at the 10th most sexually active university in the country. But although you probably get more action in a week than an Imperial student will get during their entire degree, it’s time to start broadening your sexual horizons through location, location, location.
Surely there are more accommodating places to ‘go at it’ on Gower Street? Where can you keep things exciting when you fancy banging in Bloomsbury? Well my horny friend, UCL hosts a number of hotspots for finding the g-spot; let me take you on a walking tour of the ten best places to have sex under Jeremy Bentham’s watchful eye.
10. Ian Baker House – The Lift
Lift sex is great, but of course you already knew that. However, did you realise that instead of dodging the chunder in the potentially broken lifts at Ramsay, you could pop over to Ian Baker House, situated right in the middle of the Ramsay complex, and enjoy sanitary shagging conditions? In fact, Ian Baker is arguably the nicest UCL accommodation around and you could potentially enjoy 8 floors (make it 16 if you’re feeling lucky) worth of gravity defying sex in a spacious, clean environment.
9. The Cruciform – Wet Lab
Genuinely sold on this one based purely on the description provided by the UCL website: “The Wet labs, located in UCL’s Cruciform building, are the areas where Medical School students carry out hands-on experiments.” This room is practically begging for it. Just mind any funky stuff left over from the medics’ dissection lessons.
8. Bloomsbury Fitness – Showers
Sex burns 288 calories per hour, fact. So why have you been wasting your time sweating like a pig on the treadmill when you could be washing away the perspiration of penetration in a nice hot shower? Bring along some body lotion and you’re in for hours of steamy, well lubricated fun.
7. Bentham House – Roof
Alfresco action is tricky to find since you want the right level of risk yet discretion. No one wants to be caught mid-orgasm by their personal tutor (unless you’re shagging them). The hidden roof area in Bentham House isn’t easy to locate but is the perfect place to be pleasured under the impending summer sun. How to find it: go up to the first floor, walk along the corridor straight ahead, go all the way down the stairs to -3, walk out of the doors, once in the little outside courtyard area turn right and go up the stairs. Enjoy.
6. Gustave Tuck Lecture Theatre
Too obvious to make it into the top 5, but nonetheless an important location for every UCL student. Featured in movies and TV series alike, fornicating within the walls graced by Leonardo DiCaprio’s presence can only serve to heighten your sexual encounter. Just watch out for splinters as the room has a fetish for wood so it may be best to stick to the lecture space at the front or the stairs.
5. The Main Library – English German and Scandinavian Periodicals Section
In the top, most obscure part of the library let your sex life reach its most obscure heights. If you allow yourself to be inspired by the European exoticism of the section, you’ll find yourself doing things you thought only existed on Pornhub. Alternatively, pretend your partner is James Macavoy/Keira Knightly and you’ve got yourself your very own Atonement re-enactment. Plus the added advantage of this being a sort of ‘gallery’ area means you’re able to see all yet not be seen. Vunderbar.
4. The Anatomy Building – JZ Young Lecture Theatre
What better place to explore the wonders of the human body than in a building dedicated to the very cause? And in a lecture theatre which practically has ‘jizz’ in its name? UCL, you’re making this too easy. The venue itself is huge, with amphitheatre style seating and generous amounts of floor space both at the front and back. It’s up to you whether you’d rather enjoy the view from the top, or be centre stage under the projector screen.
3. The Science Library/Foster Court – Group Study Pod
A bookable, private space with comfortable chairs and tables; what more could you ask for? If you’re a traditionalist and don’t want to upset the natural expectancies of the room, feel free to interpret ‘Group Study Pod’ as ‘Perfect Place to have Wild Orgy’.
2. The Astronomy Shed
Have you noticed that little green domed shaped building on the UCL Quad, the one that looks like a lame prototype of the Portico? Well, it is in fact the Astronomy shed, complete with sliding roof. This hidden gem can serve a multitude of your sexual needs, whether it be a romantic incentive to star gaze whilst getting laid, or whether it’s the excitement in the idea that as you’re shagging hundreds of students are rushing past blissfully unaware. Or maybe you just want to check out their telescope. Hey, who’s judging?
1. The Portico
Go for gold. Wait for darkness to fall so that the area behind those infamous columns are illuminated, providing the perfect lighting for a bit of coitus in the Quad. After all it is rather obvious. Random bench in the middle? Naked statues on either side? This place was designed with sex in mind, so we may as well oblige. And instead of being defeated by the elements outside, include them in your sexual activities. Blowjobs if it’s windy. Hot rampant sex in the sun. Getting wet in the rain. The possibilities are endless…
So be inventive. Be daring. Embrace everything these walls have to offer. And to anyone out there who is finding it hard to get any action in the first place, try some virtual sex via Moodle.