The Diamond Jubilee: A once-in-a-lifetime piss-up

We Brits love any excuse for a piss-up, and Her Maj being on the throne for 60 years is as good an excuse as any.

Diamond Jubilee monarchy royalty The Queen

Those of us who camped out at the royal wedding (does it count as camping if you forget your tent and just sit in the rain for 18 hours?) know that, whilst the royals put on a good show, it's us guys who make the party. The horse-drawn carriages, the military bands and the Red Arrows' fly past were all well and good, but I can't help thinking that we commoners were the ones who provided the most fun.

But we've got our work cut out if we're going to make the Diamond Jubilee a party to remember. So far plans include a shit load of kayaks going down the Thames, a live concert featuring pop stars even older than the Queen herself, an 'official emblem' which looks like it was scrawled by a 10-year-old (because it was), and some people having lunch.

To top things off, in either an impressive attempt to bring her carbon footprint to a 60-year high or a disconcertingly literal game of Ring of Fire, the Queen will also be setting alight a series of 2,012 beacons to span the country. One of them is next to a primary school. What could possibly go wrong?

So we're really going to have to put in some effort here. If there's one discipline that UCL truly excels in it's drinking, and so the royals will be relying on their subjects in Gower Street to make it merry this June. An evening in Moonies just won't cut the mustard – this is a one-off and an opportunity worth taking advantage of.

I for one will be right at the front for as much of it as possible, waiting for the kayaks to capsize and wondering if Prince Phillip really understands what's going on, or even if any of us do. The whole thing will be touchingly quaint and overtly ridiculous; you can either join in and take part, or sit back and laugh at how pointless it all is. There's something for everyone.

We Brits love any excuse for a piss-up, and Her Maj being on the throne for sixty looong years is as good an excuse as any. In her time she's seen the country go through a fair amount of trouble, and she's a comforting reminder that despite all the mess, things are probably going to turn out all right. She's still here, and so are we.

So crack out the Pimm's (or the Sainsbury's Basics cider – she won't judge) and enjoy the four-day Bank Holiday weekend. And how will the Queen be celebrating? I hear she's taking the whole diamond thing all the way, and getting a vajazzle.