Moonies v Roxy – The Showdown

Moonlighting Nightclub (or ‘Moonies’) and The Roxy can safely be described as UCL nightlife stalwarts, having tempted students in for years with cheap, but toxic, vodka and the cheesiest of the cheese of music. They certainly divide opinions but which is the better, or worse depending on your perspective, of the two? It’s a debate with no easy solution, but I will do my best to find out by taking you through a night at each and comparing them step by step from the queue to the stumble home.

The Queue – 1 point for Moonies
Moonies is the clear winner here. Though it definitely gets pretty long at times and you’re prone to harassment from some of Soho’s less charming residents, nothing compares to The Roxy experience of standing for over an hour in the cold, wearing Sports Night fancy dress, whilst having angry men, living their SAS wet-dream, bellow at you to move back and get in single file.

The Bouncers – 1 point for Moonies
The Roxy’s bouncers are pretty much the worst of the worst – rude, snarling and prone to kicking people out for ‘pushing in’ 45 minutes after they’ve joined the queue. Moonies’ bouncers deal out more intrusive friskings than you get at customs, but at least they’ve stopped blowing a whistle when your smoking time is up.

The Bar – 1 point to Roxy
You can’t argue with £1.50 for a vodka and mixer in Moonies, but the spirits smell and taste like lighter fuel and the hangover doesn’t compare to any other kind of pain. The pitchers in The Roxy seal the deal though – they mean less trips to the bar, they don’t taste as awful and it’s much funnier when someone drops one.

The Music – 1 point to Moonies
I highly doubt we’ll be seeing the resident DJ of either club killing it in Ibiza any time soon with their tendencies to demand responses to ‘Oggy Oggy Oggy’ and mixes liable to skip between S Club 7, Dizzee Rascal and Queen. Moonies' DJ Spyder just about sneaks this one for having the most brilliantly cringey DJ moniker I've ever heard.

The Journey Home – 1 point to Roxy

The two are pretty much impossible to decide between in terms of how easy it is to find a bus and greasy food once you stumble outside, so I’m basing the final point on how likely you are to have a ‘companion’ for the journey home. It’s close, but Sports Night at The Roxy is pretty notorious sharking territory.

The results are… Moonies: 3 and The Roxy: 2