All the things you should stop saying to someone with a dissertation

As our final semesters speed by quicker than an angry 699 driver, we have one thing standing in the way of graduation and a long, hot (hopefully) summer: dissertations. With thousands of words on topics from climate change to Charlotte Bronte, the bigger challenge isn't getting it all done before May – it's the unnecessary comments we get along the way.

"Shouldn't you be in the library?"

Yes, I really should be shacked up in the silent study of the SJ, I know this Liverpool One shopping trip isn't benefiting anything apart from my wardrobe. But given you didn't go to a single lecture last semester, I'd rather you didn't comment.

The Red Bulls aren't even enough

"I couldn't do a dissertation personally"

Don't sow anymore seeds of doubt – I've had enough of them since I first opened my dissertation word document. Plus, remember everyone is different, it's not impressive that you didn't follow the crowd on this.

"Omg that's soooo many words"

Well it ain't just gonna be a thousand words, is it, Karen?? Plus if you tell yourself it's just that…times by ten of course, you make yourself feel a whole lot better.

When your mind goes to those 10,000 unwritten words…

"When's it due?"

This is a question you should ask excited expectant mothers, not a student expecting the worse. The only saviour when it comes to doomsday is getting a classic pic outside Victoria Building ready for the Insta post.

"That topic doesn't sound like my kinda thing"

Did you listen when I said everyone's different? If we all had the same interest in Soviet Russia then I'm pretty sure our tutors would be bored to tears. We may all wear the same puffer jackets and culottes, but we don't all like the same periods of history.

…and remembering your diss when you're trying to have a good night

"Why are you going out if you have a diss?"

Ever heard the phrase "all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy?" Well Jack is us, who needs an occasional Concert Square fix to motivate us to get our references sorted out. There's nothing a Quadvod won't solve, and dissertation is one of them.

"Bet that takes up all your time"

It's actually just all uni work, maintaining a social life, eating healthily, getting enough sleep, cleaning our Smithdown slums, having some me-time that takes up all the time – dissertation is unfortunately only one bit of a third year nightmare.

"Can I have a look at it?"

Unless you're my dissertation tutor, it's a no from me. Viewing the unedited diss is like looking at me with no make-up. Just wouldn't recommend it tbh.

Pouring a large wine to get yourself to deadline day

"I know someone who left it until the last week and still got a 2:1"

Oh they submitted it in a club, oh they drank copious amounts of wine to cope with this terrible fate, oh I don't think I'm capable of that so I'll just stick to doing a bit at a time, thanks.

"You're gonna have to do this all again during masters"

Let's just see if I get through this degree first. Because at this rate, that grad cap and gown seem very distant.

So, if you're reading this and know you're guilty of one of these, don't worry, we know you're trying to be nice – we appreciate that. However, we just prefer a pat on the back and to be told we're actually doing better than we think.