The different types of people you’ll meet on the 699

Ah, the 699 – the transport that you could only dream of. The funky smell, the hard seats, and the reckless “imma die here” driving. What more could you want? Oh yeah, almost all the students at uni that also ride on it with you. Behold, a list of all the types of people that you probably want to practise voodoo on.

Absolutely legendary.

The upstairs goers – aka “the cool kids”

As if you didn’t already think we lived in an American teen movie, it's further proved when you step foot on the 699: Gretchen Wieners' voice seems to echo in your head listing out all the factions – the jocks, the losers, etc. etc.

But seriously, what is it that makes you look cooler if you sit upstairs? As a kid it used to be the "back of the bus" and all of a sudden it's now "top deck of Arriva" – what’s it gonna be next? See who can climb on the roof? You see idiots with their big bags trying to lug all their shit up the stairs in an effort to try sit in the best part of the bus. Is it just me? What's the big deal when you have to come back down again four stops later.

The headphone junkies… that don’t use the privacy of headphones properly.

You know when you're happily sitting there. Minding your own business and then some absolute twat gets on the 699 blasting their music as if they want the whole bus to hear it. You can hear every lyric through the headphones. They might as well not even wear them and get the bus singing karaoke. Better yet, why don’t we have a 699 bus sing-star? We could definitely fill a playlist with the absolute crap we’ve involuntarily heard from another persons earphones. I honestly “cannot deal”.

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“I’m gonna talk as loud as I can on our way to the 9am lectures… in fact, why don’t I shout”

We all know the ones. Blabbering on about their plan for the day, or some gossip they had from the night before. Whatever it may be this time, nobody wants to hear it. By the time they’re done, the bus pulls up at your stop and you have no time to contemplate whether or not you can actually be bothered to turn up to your 9am, or whether you’ll just sack it off and go to Starbucks. Wtf.

Starbucks is always the answer… until you get so behind that you know you've totally screwed up.

The "I'm gonna join my 'friends' and skip this massive queue outside the guild" twats

Picture this. In fact, you’ve probably already experienced it a thousand times over if you catch the 699. It’s 4 degrees, windy as hell and it starts to rain a bit. You’ve just walked back from your lecture and you’re ready to go back to bed. Oh but wait. What’s that I see? Yep. You guessed it. The massive queue stretching from Starbucks to what might as well be the Albert bloody docks. Great. And just like it couldn’t get worse once you’ve queued for around 10 minutes. Here comes Mr/Mrs "oh hey, that’s my friends in the queue. I’m gonna go and join them and not give a shit about the people who have been queuing in the wet and windy hell for around 15 minutes now. Lol"

Please may you just get in the bin.

You know you've got a while to wait if this is your view in the queue. Cry.

The driver

I’m going to ride the clutch until I go into the back of the car in front. Then I’m going to "yeet" around the next corner like I don’t have 70 uni students on the bus. *disclaimer – most are good drivers, but if you do encounter the rare "idgaf" driver, you’ll know what I mean. It’s the times where you didn’t realise that the Arriva 699 bus featured in the Fast & Furious movies.

The first years on their way to their 'big nights' in town

If you ever happen to board the 11pm bus, you might be under the impression you’ve walked through the wrong door and entered a zoo. Screaming, loud bangs, shouting, banter and plenty of booze. Side note- most of the top of the bus will consist of Carnatic. If you’re from Greenbank, you’ll find that walking up the stairs isn’t an option unless you want to be verbally harassed for the rest of the journey. It's all bant, top-quality drunken bant about how jealous we are of your ensuite bathrooms.

pres, pres, pres and bant.

I'm sure you've all experienced these people at least four times a week. They do your bloody head in. But, the 699 wouldn't be as fun or "unique" without them, eh?