Image may contain: Team, Person, People, Human

Every reason why 57 Monkeys in Bromsgrove is undoubtedly the worst hometown club in the UK

I mean the name alone

Bromsgrove is a small town in Worcestershire, just far enough away from Birmingham to avoid the dodgy accent, but still basically Birmingham with way worse clubs.

Bromsgrove's claim to fame is being the town where the gates to Buckingham Palace were built, as well as also being where the Liver Birds on the Royal Liver Building in Liverpool were built. However, the town's true claim to fame should be the fact it homes 57 Monkeys, aka the worst club in the UK, and definitely the most poorly named.

A night out in Bromsgrove has a ritual, observed by the masses. You start in the Golden (Spoons) at around 8 or 9pm, when the Golden shuts you head across the road to The Grove, a pub-come-club type of establishment, where you promptly spend around half an hour, decide the drinks are too expensive, and then stumble out and head to 57 Monkeys.

Image may contain: School, Room, Indoors, Classroom, Bag, Person, People, Human

Not even the Inbetweeners would have gone to 57 Monkeys

The only way you can enjoy a night in 57 Monkeys is if you're suitably smashed before going in, and this routine sets you up for that. Pints and pitchers in Spoons, Jägerbombs in the Grove, and finally VKs in 57 Monkeys. It's an age-old system that is proven to work. If you aren't drunk enough heading into 57 Monkeys you, you might not enter at all. The £6 entry fee has been known to put off many a sober friend. Whilst £6 is extortion for entry to such a small nightclub that is unlikely to get very busy, you might make up for it on the drinks offers. There are £1 drinks on offer before midnight; you know, if you fancy drinking alone?

Image may contain: Person, People, Human

The level of pissed you need to be for a good night in 57 Monkeys

Image may contain: Person, People, Human

The Grove, pretty sure my pint cost about a fiver.

The music inside 57 Monkeys isn't actually as diabolical as you might expect. A Friday night is described as RnB/House/Commercial, whereas a Saturday is just RnB and Commercial. In fact, Radio 1 DJ Charlie Sloth has even DJ'd a club night at 57 Monkeys before.

Image may contain: Wood

What a place

One of the few redeeming factors for 57 Monkeys is that, unlike many hometown clubs, it doesn't particularly attract an ageing clientele. Most of the people in 57 Monkeys have just turned 18 and only just started going out, not ready to take the plunge and commit to night out in a city.

The club has introduced a 'student' night on Thursdays – I can't comment on it though, I've vowed to never return to the club. I'm told it's somehow even more empty than it is on a Friday or Saturday, but I find that hard to believe.

Just look how empty it is FFS

To be fair to the club, it is easy to see why it doesn't get very many visitors. Bromsgrove isn't far from Birmingham or Worcester, so the club has huge competition and only really can attract people who are just going to the pub for "one or two" and then somehow end up absolutely smashed and in a nightclub. 57 Monkeys certainly does better than its predecessor, Love2Love, as 57 Monkeys doubles as a bar during the day and then a nightclub at night.

At the end of a night in 57 Monkeys the reality and shame kick in, you stumble out the door at 3am and head next door for a takeaway from Istanbul Grill Chicago Pizza. The cheesy chips will cleanse your soul. At least you saw all your friends from home though, right?

Related stories recommended by this writer:

Everything growing up in Worcestershire really teaches you

What’s the best worst nightclub in the UK?

I went on a night out at almost every single uni in the country and this is what I have discovered