We asked Eduroam why it’s so shit, and Janet actually answered

Last week we compiled a list of all the questions we have for Eduroam, the most disappointing thing about uni. In incredible form, Janet herself (who we now know is the network Eduroam runs on) found us online, emailed us personally and has responded to our queries.

Oh, and she’s sassy as fuck.

Her reply is as follows:

Hi The Tab!

Just thought I’d get in touch with some answers for you, as you seem to have a lot of questions about me!

All the best,

Janet

Powered by Jisc

Who is Janet?

I’m a high-speed network for the UK research and education community. I’m also one of the highest speed networks in the world (ooooh, ahhhh!).

Can I meet Janet?

Sure! When would you like to meet? I’m pretty much omnipotent. We could go for coffee?

Can I be Janet?

Errr…awkward…there is only one Janet. I’m regarded as mission critical to higher and further education…no pressure then.

Can you hear our cries when you die?

Yes, yes I can. However Janet never truly dies, and I’m always thrilled when I can spring back into action and help you with your work/research/Facebook stalking.

Is there one giant router? Or one in every uni?

I’m a network, I’ve got routers all over the place so I’m not sure about giant routers, are these like those giant chocolate buttons? I like them.

When you go down does someone in an office just turn you off and turn you on again?

If something goes wrong at your uni someone might press your buttons, but that’s not me, I’m a little less provincial.

Are you affected by rain?

Only when people Google ‘is it going to rain?’

Do you get hacked?

Every network fends off cyber-attacks, unfortunately that’s just the deal in this day and age. Luckily, I’m seriously good at it! I’ve got a dedicated team of cyber security experts, who make sure you stay secure and connected

Why do you get hacked?

See above, and also, when you’re this good, everyone wants a piece of you, it’s the kudos I guess. Check out my nifty video!

Why would anyone want to see us searching “how many chicken nuggets can I get for £8”?

How many chicken nuggets CAN you get for £8? Asking a friend as I’ve no idea who would want to see that search, except perhaps KFC?

Why do you sometimes work on my phone but not my laptop?

Do you need to upgrade? Have you started hiding that laptop from your friends? Come on, be honest.

Why can’t I use my logins at other unis if you are the same thing there?

That’s very weird, you don’t have much luck, do you? It must be another local issue as eduroam is global!

If I tweet you abuse will you reply?

I tend not to respond to trolling (who has time for that?) – If you have a real issue though, tweet us @jisc and I’ll be happy to look into it.

WHO DA ROAM? YOU DA ROAM

YEAH I AM!!

Who is your actual owner?

I’m powered by Jisc, the digital services and solutions organisation for UK education and research. They tell me I’m the jewel in their crown.

Can your owners turn you off at one uni just to be petty?

Yes, but they wouldn’t. They’re nice like that, and are seriously enthusiastic about research and education.

Why do you have to remind me of the fuckboy I fancy by being so consistent then being a prick for three hours?

Life can be a little unpredictable. BUT I do provide you with super high speed connectivity. Check out this old article on the Tab singing my praises! https://thetab.com/uk/bath/2014/06/03/things-you-took-for-granted-at-bath-this-year-1072

Why can’t we connect?

I’d LOVE to! Are you doing it properly? Is your WIFI turned on? Try again!

Do you see everything we do? Everything?

No, I’m not that creepy.                                                           

You don’t speak much. Turn off and on three times if you’re okay?

I couldn’t do that, imagine the disruption!

Do you see us Googling “Chlamydia symptoms”?

I tend to turn a blind eye. I might be as fast as Father Christmas but I don’t watch to see if you’re being naughty or nice.

How many people Google “Chlamydia symptoms” every day?

That’s one for an internet history search, if you’re that interested. You seem ever so keen on chlamydia…

Do you exist outside the UK?

Yes, eduroam outside of the UK is run by people other than Jisc though, so I’m not there.

What if I do a year abroad, can we still be friends?

Sure! Go, take in some culture!

Can we be more than friends? I hear Janet is lovely

I really am.

Why do you disappear when I move one step out the way?

Out of the way of what? Where are you?

Do you have special rules for printers?

I have favourites, sure. No special rules though

Do you see my FaceTimes to my mum?

No, again, I’m not that creepy

Can we FaceTime you?

I’m camera shy, but we can DM?

Are you near AI levels?

Nope! I’m happy just being a network. It keeps me busy.

Can you use all the data you have on us to create AI of us?

Imagine! No, no I can’t. Have you been watching Ex-machina?

Do you see our emails?

Nope, I’m not interested in your requests for more money from your mum.

Can you go through and delete all the spam for me?

Now that’s just lazy

Have you counted how many times I’ve stalked my ex?

No – how many times HAVE you? I can direct you to some good ‘getting over your ex’ blogs if you’d like?

How much porn is searched on your server?

No idea, again, not keeping tabs (tabs, the Tab, ha!) but as I said before, I’m not a server, I’m a network!

No really, how much porn is searched on your server?

I really don’t know – have you contributed a huge amount? I don’t mind, it’s not my server, but you seem paranoid

Can you see my nudes?

Nope, yuk, naked humans

Do you like them?

Haven’t seen them, I’m only interested in fibre optics

Are you one person or several?

Just the one, no need for more of me

Are you warm? Like, would my cat sit on you if you were in my living room?

That would be like trying to sit on a very large and dispersed cloud…your cat is welcome to try!

Do you see what lecturers do?

Out of hours? No… are you still stalking people?

What do lecturers do?

Errrrrrr…lecture? You should definitely go, you’re paying for these you know.

 

Do they look at porn too?

Who? Lecturers?  I don’t know, ask one!

Who watches more porn – students or lecturers?

No idea. I feel you should run a survey, I could help with that. You seem terribly keen to know!

YOU HAVE ONE JOB

YES, YES I DO (but what a job!)

How much work lost by your failing makes people drop a grade?

None, hurrah!

Can I get you at home pls you’re free?

Oh so nowww you like me

Do you see all the hilarious names we name our wifi in halls?

*snort*

You’ve actually gone down while I’m writing this – why?

I can tell you’re about to publish something that will hurt my feelings!

Do polys get you?

Sorry, that’s such an outdated term I had to look it up on Urban Dictionary and check you didn’t mean people with lots of partners. I’m available to every university and college

Do you like memes?

I LOVE MEMES

Would you like it if we made memes about you?

Nice ones, with cats. I like memes with cats

Where is the server?

For the last time, I’m not a server!

When it goes down at our uni, does it go down at all of them?

No, I’m not that flaky, I’m made of sturdier stuff

Why do people call you “eeuuudoram”?

Only very close friends call me that, it’s more of a nickname

Why do people call you “eurodam”?

Same as above, but pronounced ‘edu-daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!’