All the questions we have for Eduroam, the most disappointing thing about uni

Eduroam: the all-knowing, all-seeing, all-disappointing force that unites all the Universities across the country.

Those flashing curved white lines are a beacon of hope and comfort across campus, but they evade us so often with no warning. They’ll disappear just before our deadlines but will be reliable when you’re incessantly tagging your friends in Peep Show memes to procrastinate. We throw “GuestNet” to the wind as we naïvely join the welcoming arms of Eduroam, but the network is an enigma: what is the most elusive wifi in the country hiding?

This is just one of many questions we have for the omniscient force that we all love to hate. Eduroam – it’s time for answers.

Where is the server?

When it goes down at our uni, does it go down at all of them?

Why do people call you “eeuuudoram”?

Why do people call you “eurodam”?

Why can I have you when inside either building but if I walk between the two you evade me?

Who is Janet?

Can I meet Janet?

Can I be Janet?

Can you hear our cries when you die?

Is there one giant router? Or one in every uni?

When you go down does someone in an office just turn you off and turn it you again?

Are you affected by rain?

Do you get hacked?

Why do you get hacked?

Why would anyone want to see us searching “how many chicken nuggets can I get for £8”?

Why do you sometimes work on my phone but not my laptop?

Why can’t I use my logins at other unis if you are the same thing there?

If I tweet you abuse will you reply?

WHO DA ROAM? YOU DA ROAM

Who is your actual owner?

Can your owners turn you off at one uni just to be petty?

Why do you have to remind me of the fuckboy I fancy by being so consistent then being a prick for three hours?

Why can’t we connect?

Do you see everything we do? Everything?

You don’t speak much. Turn off and on three times if you’re okay?

Do you see us Googling “Chlamydia symptoms”?

How many people Google “Chlamydia symptoms” every day?

Do you exist outside the UK?

What if I do a year abroad, can we still be friends?

Can we be more than friends? I hear Janet is lovely

Why do you disappear when I move one step out the way?

Do you have special rules for printers?

Do you see my FaceTimes to my mum?

Can we FaceTime you?

Are you near AI levels?

Can you use all the data you have on us to create AI of us?

Do you see our emails?

Can you go through and delete all the spam for me?

Have you counted how many times I’ve stalked my ex?

How much porn is searched on your server?

No really, how much porn is searched on your server?

Can you see my nudes?

Do you like them?

Are you one person or several?

Are you warm? Like, would my cat sit on you if you were in my living room?

Do you see what lecturers do?

What do lecturers do?

Do they look at porn too?

Who watches more porn – students or lecturers?

How much work lost by your failing makes people drop a grade?

Can I get you at home pls you’re free?

Do you see all the hilarious names we name our wifi in halls?

You’ve actually gone down while I’m writing this – why?

Do polys get you?

Do you like memes?

Would you like it if we made memes about you?