How to seduce your SJ bae
We’ve all got one
It’s Valentine’s Day so the time has come to tell that tall, dark and handsome stranger you’ve been eyeing up for a whole year just how you feel. Is it the one who sits opposite you on the second floor? The one you brushed hands with while looking for Sylvia Plath’s collected poetry? Or even the one you locked eyes with while slamming your ID card on the machine screaming “let me in already”? Whoever it is, there are some foolproof ways you can make him yours.
The Elle Woods classic
“Oh my god! The band and snap! Works every time!”. If it’s good enough for the icon that is Elle Woods then it’s good enough for you – take a walk past your love’s desk and accidentally drop your pen in front of it. The rest is self explanatory, they’ll be admiring your booty as you stroll back to your end of the silent zone.
Find them on Tinder
It is one of the best hookup sites, just put your radius as low as possible and get hunting, when you eventually match send a funny gif of an animal reading a book that is just bound to get revision chat going. Definitely use their Tinder to stalk Instagram and consequently Facebook. Is that his girlfriend? What did his mum tag him in? Where did he go on holiday in 2012?
Sync your routines
Oh what’s that? He makes a trip to Tesco (the North Campus one) just before midday every day? That’s funny, so do you! Or you do now anyway, make your move approximately 10 seconds after he leaves. Maintain enough distance to not look creepy but not so much that you won’t make knowing eye contact.
Accidentally trip over in front of them
Remember that scene in High School Musical where Kelsi drops all her sheet music and Troy being the absolute GENTLEMAN that he is scoops her and and her belongings up? That. Obviously in this case he ends up with you and not Gabriella.
Get them in on your vending machine drama
Oh what’s this? Are your quavers stuck again? Call upon your knight in shining New Balance to help. Whether he lends you the 10p you need to get more crisps or he kicks the machine in the right spot to make them fall – you insist you’ll make it up to him.
Reserve books in their name
…and then meet them in the reservation area. “Wow fancy seeing you here! Oh this is yours?” You’ll both laugh as you hand over New Challenge’s for Documentary. Strike up conversation about how you LOVE Louis Theroux.
What’s that? The Starbucks machine gave you two coffees?
This is definitely not a thing that would happen but who can refuse a free americano? Saunter over looking slightly frazzled and gush “oh my goodness, you wouldn’t believe what just happened.” Then burst out laughing, glance around, remembering you’re in silent study. Then whisper “the stupid machine gave me two coffees, don’t suppose you want one?” Leave it on his desk and walk away. For added effect, turn around and wink, it’s not creepy at all.
Find out they live two (twelve) streets away from you
So after the coffee incident you’re finally on speaking terms with your new lover, you might even have gone the whole way and added them on Facebook. Next thing you know they’ve offered you a lift in their corsa all the way to Borrowdale. You live on Egerton so it’s not ideal but it’s progress.
Send them a card
Now, this is a little late notice but luckily we’ve got your back. What better way to show your affections than on paper? If you’re feeling extra loving write a Haiku on the back. Something along the the lines of “When I first saw you/Across the Abercromby/ My heart skipped a beat. Or you know, something good.
If you’re not on the verge of having steamy study room sessions at this point, there’s no helping you. Set your sights elsewhere.