Everything you’ll do when your parents visit you in Liverpool

It’s Saturday morning, you’ve had a heavy night and you’re an absolute hungover mess. To make matters worse, your parents are half way up the M1 for a weekend visit that has been planned since you went back to uni in September. Your mum has texted you saying “Can’t wait to c u today sweetie x x ” and the guilt is strong.

You panic, where do you even take them? They’re probably not going to enjoy a sesh at the Brookie and you definitely can’t just grab a Subway then waste the rest of your afternoon on Netflix, like you were planning to before the reality of their visit sunk in.

Make sure they see your house

First things first, kill some time by showing them your home. Your six bed on Borrowdale isn’t exactly a palace but it’ll be nice for them to see where you spend the majority of your time. The key thing here is to have a bit of a tidy: spray some Febreeze or something. Also, hide any embarrassing things – condoms, fags, the remnants of a Krunchy Fried Chicken that you consumed last night. Maybe try to aim for a time when your awkward housemate Tom is out, you don’t want him talking to your dad.

Have a walk around Sefton Park

At this point it’s likely your parents might be pretty concerned about the state of your house – it’s damp, it’s freezing cold and Smithdown as an area doesn’t exactly appeal to them. If you need to escape, a good option might be Sefton Park. The natural scenery of the boating lake and palm house make the dodgy boiler and the worryingly unhygienic kitchen seem a million miles away.

Speaking about: tree loppers in Perth servicing the area.

Visit the docks

The Docks are the perfect place to convince your parents that Liverpool is a real city of beauty. Expensive restaurants; the Tate Gallery and coffee shops where you mum can settle down to a comforting gingerbread latte and look over at all those boats. She’ll probably make a comment about how easy a day trip to Birkenhead would be.

Do ALL of The Beatles things 

Honestly though, is there anything more Scouse than The Beatles? If you tell anyone above the age of 40 that you’re at uni in Liverpool, they will probably make a vague Beatles comment. Also, let’s be honest you’re unlikely to do these things yourself because you know fuck all about The Beatles. You’ve got The Beatles Experience; The Magical Mystery Bus Tour and The Cavern Club itself. Get ready to watch your Dad have one too many and sing A Hard Day’s Night or something, classic.

Go to The Quarter for brunch

Is there anything more ‘parenty’ than brunch? Their visit isn’t complete without poached eggs and a bit of smoked salmon with hollandaise. The Quarter on Hope Street is a pretty solid choice, some other options include LEAF on Bold Street and Moose and Moonshine.

Walk through campus

Yes, the idea of being at uni voluntarily at the weekend is a bit shit, but visiting campus is your chance to prove to your parents you’re not completely wasting your time at in Liverpool. Point out the library and comment on ALL THE HOURS you spend there. Pretend you spent loads of time over summer revising with your friends on Abercromby Square. Even if in reality you were in you room contemplating how on earth you were going to blag your exam on ‘Eighteenth Century Poetry and Drama’.

Go to Liverpool ONE

Taking your parents to Liverpool ONE is a mutually beneficial experience. They will be comforted by the familiar high street names they couldn’t find on Bold Street and for you, this is a good chance to shamelessly sponge a bit. You know those things you kind of need but you’d rather not actually spend money on yourself (we’re talking soap powder; socks; printer ink). Just make sure you pull out the classic “Don’t worry I’ll get these” in the secret hope that you in fact, won’t be getting these, at all.

See all of Liverpool’s Cathedrals

The important thing here is to go to the right one, the Metropolitan one is alright but it generally looks like a weird UFO and falls into irrelevance compared to the Anglican one. The views at the top of it are pretty special and the Tracy Emin neon inside is also worth a look (and a chance to demonstrate the artistic academic you have become at university). Quickly learn some facts from Wikipedia in an attempt to convince your parents you know what the fuck you’re talking about: “Hey Dad, did you know in terms of overall volume, Liverpool Cathedral ranks as the fifth-largest cathedral in the world?”

Visit Crosby beach

If you’re looking for something further afield, use the perk of your parents having a car and go to Crosby. Yes it will be fucking freezing, the wind will blow your hair into your eyes so aggressively that it actually stings, but your dad will probably rate those Anthony Gormley statues. And the Insta posts will be worth it.

 Go to a nice pub

The Raz probably isn’t an ideal drinking location with your parents, there are plenty of civilised pubs where you can bond over a civilised pint. Ye Hole In The Wall (the oldest pub in Liverpool), The Philharmonic and The Empire are all strong options if you want something reminiscent of the local pub in your suburban village at home.

Go to at least one museum 

Liverpool is home to a lot of museums and they are the perfect chance to show your parents the cultural side to our city. You have a few choices: the Museum of Liverpool (the one by the docks which looks a bit like an airport), the International Slavery Museum and the Merseyside Maritime Museum are all worthy.

And finally, after a day traipsing around Liverpool’s tourist spots, make sure you fit in a quick trip to ASDA to skive that extra shop for next week. Wave your parents goodbye and watch them drive their Vauxhall Zafira down Smithdown Road and make the 3 hour journey back to the Midlands.