Planet Earth: A Sunday on Smithdown

*David Attenborough voice*

Somewhere between Toxteth and Wavertree lies a small habitat, commonly known as Smithdown Road. The colourful collection of creatures that call this environment home, although diverse, co-exist in paradisiacal harmony. We aim to guide you through the un-documented inhabitants of these streets. Welcome to Smithdown Safari.

The Fuckboy

One of the most common animals to prowl the landscape is of course the ‘Fuckboy’. Famous for their ostentatious mating displays, they have been known to attract multiple partners with promises of dinner dates, only to disappear into the night, leaving nothing but a sense of regret and the clap in their wake. Although un-threatening, the ‘Fuckboy’ is often considered a pest by local inhabitants.

What’s a balanced diet, lad? A drink in both hands OIOI

The Sesh Gremlin

Here we see the not un-common ‘Sesh Gremlin’. They have been known to take shelter in hallways, bath-tubs and garden sheds after particularly heavy nights, and are often considered a nocturnal species. Allusive to many, they can go missing from their local herds for days on end and appear a week later curled up in a laundry basket. At this point the ‘Sesh Gremlin’ will retreat into hibernation until the following week.

A wild Gremlin appears…

The London Lad

And now we come to an animal of great interest. Although the North is not their natural habitat, for reasons still unknown to leading scientists, they migrate annually to Liverpool. I am of course referring to the ‘London Lad’. Despite being alien to the local climate ‘London Lads’ travel season round in trackies, socks and sandals in search of pot noodles and Malboro Reds. They choose to communicate in their native language, using phrases like ‘calm’ and ‘piff’, perhaps to baffle locals, perhaps to attract other southerners, we’ll never know. The enigma, the mystery, the ‘London Lad’.

I mean it’s surprisingly comfortable

The Gap Yah Kid

The most seasonal of all the creatures on Smithdown is the ‘Gap Yah Kid’. As summer approaches, these harem-panted spectacles emerge from their caves. If cornered by one on a night out, your best chance of survival is to play dead; otherwise you risk an endless lecture about how ‘enlightening’ their trip to India was and how their bindi isn’t culturally insensitive because they’re Buddhist now.  They graze mainly on falafel and drink only ginger tea, making survival during winter hibernation taxing.

‘Is it organic?’

The PJ Queen

‘PJ Queens’ are among the shiest of all Smithdown residents. On the rare occasion they make a public appearance, they can be seen sporting nightwear on swift trips to Aldi. They claim to save on washing, but the truth is that these animals are just painfully lazy. You’ll never see them publicly before 2pm and when you do they’ll be stooping along Gainsborough with coffee in hand.

This specimen is making a quick dash to ASDA

The Gym Rat

It is a common misconception that ‘Gym Rats’ belong to the rodent family. They in fact belong to the ‘MyProtein’ family. They build their nests of products, shakes and bars on top of student fridges, creating a cluttered haven of body building nonsense. Sometimes they can be spotted on unnaturally early buses to the uni gym to get their daily lifting in, as they snack on egg white omelettes and kale smoothies.

Gym Rats forge strong emotional bonds with their protein brownies