How to live like the Queen of Smithdown while you still have your loan

Take advantage of your loan for a week and experience how the elites live.


Smithdown road is well known for being the classiest of places, but the constant sound of sirens and frequent news of robberies, stabbings and shootings can sometimes be off-putting.

For a typical student, the cheap rent prices and abundance of cheap corner shops and supermarkets are ideal. But for some, drinking vodka so cheap it could blind you, and only eating the same bland pasta everyday gets very dull and leaves some students longing for more. So when your loan has just come in, why not take the opportunity to live luxuriously for a little while?

Be Smithdown’s sassiest bitch. Be town’s top of the tower.

Breakfast

Breakfast is essential to start a productive day in labs or at the library, and the last thing you need is to be cooking and washing up. Cooking can be very stressful: running around a hot kitchen trying to navigate around a 4 stove hob shared with 9 other people is not fun. So while you have your loan in, take advantage and just do not go there. You don’t need baked beans splashed on your best outfit before you’ve even left the house. Plus, washing up is just out of the question! It’ll take a good 5-10 minutes to scrub those pans and plates if you’re having a proper breakfast. None of that cheap Aldi’s own Frosties shit.

Instead, while your life as a queen with a loan lasts, start every day with your breakfast at The Tavern, crowned the Best Breakfast spot in the UK for two years running, there could be nowhere better to start your day as a Queen of Smithdown. With an assortment of luxury breakfasts from Full English, Mexican, ‘Breakfast in L.A.’ and even steak, it’s suitable for everyone and means you can have a different breakfast every day depending on your mood. Fabulous.

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Mmmmmmm

Travelling to uni

Getting the bus to uni is soooo Jeremy Corbyn, the 86 and 699s are always packed, meaning there’s no room to move and there’s a chance of your crown getting knocked off. More than 5 minutes at the bus stop on Smithdown is far too extensive to wait. No queen should be forced to stand in the cold, rain and wind when she’s just done her hair, make-up and is wearing an outfit recently purchased off ASOS on loan day.

Getting a taxi to uni is clearly the only option. It will turn up right outside your door, meaning no struggle in the winter weather. You’ll have your own private chauffeur to have a sophisticated chat with. No more listening to first years ramble about how amazing the Raz was last night and how long they queued to get in – instead you can talk about your classy night draining your bank account at the Absinthe bar. Alternatively, you could completely ignore the driver and enjoy a peaceful relaxed journey, turning up at your lecture with plenty of time to spare.

When you begin to realise you’re running out of loan, and have less funds for a taxi and have to get the bus, only use stage coach. Far more classy because all the common folk only get Arriva with their passes, so they’re bound to be less packed.

On these rare occasions of getting a stagecoach bus, you may need to brace the roads, make sure you only cross at the crossings and don’t dodge in front of cars. Even if the road isn’t busy, you need to make sure as many cars possible stop for you and appreciate the royal queen you are.

Lunch at uni

Preparing your lunch to eat in the library is sophisticated and independent. Lunch is much easier than a cooked breakfast or tea so this is no problem for students on loan day. But you must pick your shops carefully, no Aldi or Smart price items from Asda, only the best quality products. And definitely no quick meal deal from Tesco, that’s so common.

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DOWN WITH CAPITALISM

The only place suitable for your needs is Allerton – the light at the end of the tunnel, and it’s name is Purple Carrot. This is a Vegan shop selling organic products and fresh fruit and veg, they have a wide selection of classy and healthy foods easy to prepare for your perfect princess’s lunch.

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Yaaaaaaaaas

Dinner

Again, like breakfast, this is an important meal you just don’t have time to cook and wash up for. There is a range of classy restaurants on Smithdown, such as SpitRoast and Evil Eye. Eat in places like these every night without fail. To be served on by waiters and waitresses is what true royals need, and only ever tip if they’re polite and address you by your preferred title.

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Simply the best x

Nights Out

Before your classy night out to Lark Lane, Seel Street, or the secret bars, you’re allowed some pre drinks because you’re still a student. But this can’t be in your living room drinking Asda’s cheapest voddy and and screaming Skepta lyrics. The Brookhouse is the perfect alternative for less trashy pre drinks, buying a bottle of wine from the bar to share here is ideal.

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Queen of the Brookie

So from loan day, make sure you follow these rules to achieve a life of luxury and experience what the bourgeois always have done. You should be able to live like a queen for approx 5-7 days before reverting back to the poor student poverty stricken life.