A foolproof guide to prevent your housemates stealing your scran

Apart from being able to hear your neighbours having sex every night, the most annoying thing about housemates is having your stuff stolen.

It’s already bad enough having to live in the slums of Carnatic and Greenbank alongside 20 other hungry students.

A pinch of salt, one slice of bread, or a tiny dollop of shampoo will go unnoticed, right?  Wrong, when your whole floor are helping themselves to your butter ‘now and then’ it makes a difference. Its hard enough being a poor student without the people you thought were your friends stealing your super noodles.

Here are our foolproof tips to put those pesky kids off taking your rations.

Cover your goods in lipstick

Milk is the one item most prone to being stolen and you have to buy it regularly because of the looming expiry date. One day you’ll buy a pint, the next day there’ll be nothing left for your beloved brew.

It wasn’t me I promise

Wear lipstick and drink straight from the bottle to put people off drinking yours and hope they steal someone else’s.  It’s every man for himself on Smithdown. With goods that don’t come in bottles, just make it look gross and unappealing. Take margarine for instance, it’s a necessary good which is always stolen. Why don’t you cover it in breadcrumbs? Dig that knife into your Flora, or even worse, get some Marmite in there.

Put your grub in a plastic bag

You can’t hoard foods that need to be refrigerated so leave them in an Asda bag – no one will know what’s in it and therefore won’t have the temptation to steal it. Or be even more annoying and staple the bag shut so you’ll know if anyone’s been in.   Remind them all how you traipsed all the way to Asda and back.  And then get really mad when the staples have come off and you think someone has stolen your ham but really it was drunk you making a toastie the night before.

It is mystifying what could be under that Asda bag

Send snapchats of you putting things down your trousers

Make your house’s group chat icon a picture of you with your dairy milk bar hanging out of your pants. Send snapchats of you running round the kitchen filling your trousers with chocolates and all your favourite foods.

Cheeky

Use emotional blackmail

So your Gran sent you home made jam and its the best thing you’ve tasted since moving to uni seeing as you’ve been living off noodles and can’t afford chocolate. You don’t want that shit getting stolen, its sacred. Use emotional blackmail. Leave a passive aggressive note on the jar saying how much you love your Gran and rarely get to see her or her special home made jam and please don’t even bother trying a smidge or I will kill you.

Licking it/putting your genitals on it

You don’t have to actually do this, but leaving a note saying “my dick was rubbed on each slice of bread in this loaf, feel free to help yourself” is pretty off putting and not worth risking it for most people. Or perhaps open your packet of biscuits and lick each one before putting them back.  For maximum effect do this while you have a cold.

Hide it away

Quite an obvious one, but don’t display your luxuries. If you leave your chocolate orange on display in the cupboard, it will be gone within a day. Don’t expect your flat mates to have morals. Have a secret stash in your room, but still kept out the way for those times your annoying flatmate comes in your room to harass you out of boredom.

Stash of goodies

Get your own mini fridge in your room

If times are getting desperate and you feel like you really want to show your house mates how little you trust them, get your own fridge in your room. Then you can literally live in your room with all your food and necessities around you without ever having to interact with any thieving flatmates.

Keep your paws off my chill beers

Alternatively, ask Mummy if you can rent a studio and then you won’t ever have to interact with anyone or them borrowing your stuff.