What your fave snapchat filter says about you

I get it now: your aesthetic is drugged up American Apparel model

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When did our lives become ruled by an app that gave us antlers?

Remember B.S?  “Before Snapchat?” No, me neither. Since they brought out the ability to put filters on our Snapchats, human life has changed and we can’t look back.

Just like the invention of sewers, vaccines or electricity, Snapchat has become a historic revolution of our era. Because, let’s face it, you are what you snapchat now.

Everyone hates the 300 second story girl, or the black and white photos of shitty mod cars boy. No one can bare the pitch black, crackly story of the roadman who sees Hannah Wants play every week.

In 2016, what you Snap represents who you are to the wider world, and that means that your favourite snapchat filter says a fuck load about who you are as a person.

The Cat

I woke up like this

I woke up like this

Unequivocally, you are a girl. You like MAC makeup, especially the nude matte lipsticks. You also like pretending your eyebrows naturally have right angles in them. You follow Kylie Jenner on Snapchat. You were mega sad when you didn’t get through in time to buy her LipKit, and had to settle for some cheap eBay knock off that’s given you a coldsore. And you definitely caption your cat photo with “Meow (Cat Emoji)”.

Every hour, you check who has viewed the story, and when your crush views it you get little heart palpitations. You’d never use the filters that make you ugly – there needs to be some level of hotness in each (And, yes you know you’re hot in a weird “I look like a photoshopped girl from Instagram” way). Snapchat is just another way for you to share your instagram selfies, and your beauty with the world – even if that’s a  full makeup “bed time” selfie that every boy waits for you to post, just to glimpse that polished bare shoulder he salivates over (and more) each night.

The Space Bug-Eyed One

I made this for my instagram

I made this for my instagram

M8, do u do drugs? No? Ok cool, didn’t think so.  That filter, like your Nikes, your vintage mom jeans and that lighter you carry – it’s all for show. I get it, your aesthetic is drugged up American Apparel model. You keep going with that – it’s bound to get you far in life.

The Weird Burning Eyes/ Face Ones

No.

No.

Why? Just why? These are so shit. You must have no creative energy, no sense of aesthetic quality, literally nothing. They are dire. They ruin snapchat. Normal people cringe inside when they see that the latest update features burning blue laser shooting eyes. They know that the bright flame balls always sit slightly off your eyeballs, making the filter even shitter. They never look good. Period.  If you ever set one of these as your story, everyone knows you’re sitting in your room with nothing to do, and no one to see. Don’t do it. Just don’t. Save your reputation. Stay away.

Snow Effects and Candy Coloured Eyes

Do you want to build a snowman with me boys?

Do you want to build a snowman with me boys?

You’re the 21 year old who still loves Disney and you know all the words to Let It Go. You own Frozen on DVD and won’t let your younger cousin (5 years old) borrow it. The release date of Beauty and the Beast LiveAction is represented with small heart drawings on your calendar (Kittens in TeaCups 2015/2016).  The dream is to do a summer internship at Disney World Florida, and then be offered a permanent job there, living in the world of make believe. What you don’t realise is that the magic dies after a few months, and you’ll be stuck in a vortex of sticky children, sweaty costumes and distant, uninterested candy floss sellers. The descent is just as rapid as your other half’s patience when you send your 20th snowy snapchat of the morning, this time with bright blue eyes (a la Snow White).

The Elderly One

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We get it. You work hard. You revise loads. You’re still in the library late at night. Please don’t feel the need to tell us with a snapchat story. That 1,500 word first year essay isn’t really ageing you. We’re all going to hear outside the exam room how little work you’ve done and how nervous you are, as you sift through a wad of perfectly curated revision notes. And we’ll all get the snapchat story in a few months: “OMG got a first in all my exams 😮 ” which was obviously “so unexpected”.

Why pretend? Just boast willingly. We’ll accept you like that because you’re already doing it. So send us a snapchat of a pile of books and the ungodly time saying “Working so hard: Be jealous of my work ethic”, and then one after the exam saying “smashed it”. We’ll all like you much more I promise: honesty is the best policy.

The Vomiting Rainbow One

Yah, I once saved dying endangered unicorns in Rwanda.

Yah, I once saved dying endangered unicorns in Rwanda.

Same old. Same old. You went on a gap year, and saved dying endangered unicorns in Rwanda, and now your uni room has a giant tie-die “masala” wall hanging, you buy incense from Urban Outfitters and you get hair braids put in on holiday (Don’t pretend, we all know it was a family holiday to Lagos). Life is about equality, shared agency and not clapping because it triggers people at NUS conferences.

Lace crochet crop tops are the one, and so are tattoo choker necklaces (Hun, did you miss the part where they’re made by Vietnamese children?). You have unicorns stickers on your iPhone, and send GIFS of cats superimposed on psychedelic backgrounds to your boss at the vegan shop because its cute and ironic. You only send the rainbow filters because they go with your aesthetic. And because it represents how many LGBT friends you have, that you remember all the ill children in the world vomiting, and that you don’t spend all your time on dangerous, microwave fuelled technology. Because you’re only using your iPhone 6plus to stalk the yoga-guru inspo hashtag and look up bio-diverse, non GMO, organic pulse recipes, as well as post the  occasionally vomming rainbow selfie.

The Chomping Deer 

I miss christmas

I miss christmas

Everyone thinks its a deer. Except you. You think its a reindeer.

Yeah, we get it. You miss Christmas. So does everyone else. It’s just, we don’t own 14 Xmas jumpers, wear a Santa hat on the day, and buy Xmas pjs every year. And we don’t have a count-down to Christmas app. Snapchat have reissued this filter purely for the Christmas fanatics. Somewhere in America another of your kind is on the board of people who choose what filter is put out each day. And most days, the other 6 say “Shut up Colin, no” but every once in a while, they let him have the chomping reindeer filter, because they know it guarantees them a small market of weird, obsessed individuals who’s year revolves around the opening of the Xmas section in John Lewis and excitedly thinking about visiting a Santa’s grotto at the age of 19.

The Hats

ON THE FUCKING 699 GUYS

ON THE FUCKING 699 GUYS

Yeah – you’re always drunk aren’t you? Having a fruit basket on your head and sending it to your entire friend list always seems like a good idea at 01:34am. Same with a snap of you driving a car with aviators and a moustache. And you with a top hat. Stop being drunk, you’re at uni to learn, not spend your days recovering from the 14 jagerbombs in LEVEL. We’re bored of your drunken antics. We don’t care. There are seven other snapchat stories which are identical to yours. You even feature in someone else’s necking a girl in piss alley. Props to you for having a good night, but we’ve all got 9ams and you’re rubbing it in our faces.

The Ugly Ones

love us pls

love us pls

Either your friend took it, or it was a mistake making it public. Regardless, this was not meant to see the light of day as a birthday wishes photo on Facebook. Fuck you Debbie, nobody wants to see my spot ridden, sweaty post-gym selfie that I sent to you in a moment of madness when I thought you were a real friend.  And yet, and yet: these filters are just of so satisfying aren’t they? Is it because they mask true ugliness? Or is it because, deep down, they represent your true feelings as you rot in the flesh prison of your body, staring at  your stretched face in the screen, realisation dawning that the pinnacle of human existence has evolved to become us taking manipulated photos of ourselves and sending them to people we call friends? What even is the human race.