How to relive Carnatic in second year

As the stress of coursework and deadlines reaches a peak, the novelty of living in a cosy Smithdown house is beginning to wear off.

You dream of the days you lived a carefree life in Carnatic and start to reminisce the days you could go out four times a week and still finish with a solid 2:1. Here is the definitive list of ways to make you feel as if you’re right back in your comfortable Carni first year.

Only get the 699

The 86 or 75 are not allowed under any circumstances. You must no longer roll out of the house at any time knowing there’ll be some form of bus waiting for you, instead you must leave exactly four minutes before the 699 is due to leave. Besides, unlike on the 86, you won’t hear any talk about deadlines, coursework or dissertations, you’ll just spend the 20 minute journey eavesdropping on how smashed the innocent freshers were the night before.

Bonus: getting only the 699 also increases your likelihood of seeing the fit 699 bus driver on a daily basis.

86 is for peasants

Get other people you don’t even know to come in and hotbox your house

You vaguely recognise these people, they might be from McNair or Morton, or worse – Greenbank, but nevertheless, they used to come into your neighbour’s room and hotbox the entire block at 3am, so why not let them do it in your house for old time’s sake? Just don’t tell that stupid bitch you regret living with who moans every time someone lights a fag in the living room, they needn’t know.

Eat soggy chips and hard baby carrots every night for a week

How anyone could cook chips to such a soggy perfection still remains a mystery, but you can try. The dinner ladies did it, and they did that every day – so it must be easy. As an occasional treat, mix it up a bit and try thin chips instead for added excitement. Never eat fresh vegetables, instead, treat yourself to the delicious pea, mushy broccoli and under-cooked baby carrot mix. Eat this and only this every day for the entire week, although at weekends you may feast upon cold sweetcorn as a side to your thin, sad looking slice of pizza.

Bon appetit

Invite your ex-next door neighbour to have really loud sex in the room next door to you

You barely ever knew these people, in fact, after fresher’s week your small talk was limited to only a half-hearted head nod. Although you may never have gotten to know these people, due to Carnatic’s infamously thin walls you know almost as much about their sex life as they do. Invite them round to have stupidly loud sex in the room next door to you and wake you up at an ungodly hour. Aw, happy mem’s.

Cook only with a microwave

You’ve been holding out for the day you have an oven and a hob ever since your first week in Carnatic. But for the sake of reliving your first year, ban yourself from using them. Challenge yourself to cook only with a microwave. However, after a year in Carnatic it’s not much of a problem as you’ve learnt how to cook five star standard meals with a microwave like never before – pasta, poached eggs, rice – you’ve got this shit down to a T.

A true chef in the making

Don’t eat lunch

Missed breakfast? That’s a shame, you won’t be eating anything until dinner. However, if you feel like you won’t make it through the day without at least something small at lunch time, occasionally take yourself to the Tesco on campus and buy yourself a cheeky meal deal. By November you’ll be so low on cash you won’t be able to afford the £3 anymore. Instead, go for an 80p Greggs’ sausage roll if you’re desperate. By December you won’t be able to afford this, so sit back and watch yourself waste away and lose two stone throughout the year.

Buy all food supplies from Tesco Express

No Aldi or ASDA for you. Again, give yourself another challenge by limiting yourself to only buying any food supplies from the small Tesco Express down the road.

Sleep only on one side of the bed

Take yourself back to the times where you had only an uncomfortable, slightly-smaller-than-single sized bed and sleep on only one side of your Smithdown double mattress. If you bring someone back after a sweaty night at the Raz then tough, they must also sleep only on the same side as you. Be prepared to reminisce about some of the most cramped spooning of your life.

Sleep beckons

Start pre’s at 9pm

You need to get the last bus for the Raz, obviously. Crack open a bottle of Lambrini 9pm and begin pre-drinking in the kitchen. At exactly 11:26pm, gather the troops and sprint to the bus stop. Hurl yourselves onto the bus as quickly as you can then chant your way all the way into town. Most aggressive chanting must occur as you pass Greenbank who, once again, didn’t get on the bus – stupid bitches. If you want to take this to another level, when you next go past anyone you vaguely know went to Greenbank, or, even if they’re a stranger, shout “Greenbank wanker!!” alongside “I’D RATHER LIVE IN BAGHDAD THAN GREENBANK” just to keep your freshers memories alive.

Piss in your sink

Don’t deny you didn’t do this all the time, we know you did – it came out in your first week of halls whilst playing “Never Have I Ever” so calm the bullshit. The original reason for pissing in your sink was for ease. Admittedly, in a house you do still have to get up and walk to the bathroom to get to the sink anyway, but do it for the sake of the memories, comfort and the added risk factor.

thinkin’ bout lyf