Meet the people running for Liverpool NUS delegate

It’s the second worst time of the year again.

No, not the dreaded guild elections. But the slightly less dreaded, and slightly more boring NUS delegation elections.

Do we know what these delegates are? No. Do we care what this bureaucratic position exists for? No. Do we care if we even have a bloody representative? No.

It’s impressive if anyone has feelings beyond mild dissatisfaction about the National Union of Students.  They spent too much money slagging off Nick Clegg with weird posters and not enough money on lobbying Topshop for a bigger discount with our student card.

At the end of the day, most students are more likely to vote a cute puppy into the role of NUS delegate than one of the bores who decides to run for the position at this dire organisation.

But, hey, the Facebook pages are up and the votes are open until Friday, so let’s take a look at the weirdos who have nominated themselves as your potential representative and see how unrepresentative they are of the (normal) student body.

Joel Stokes

“He’s stoked to represent you!”

Do you need anything more in an NUS delegate than this spectacular use of a pun?

Joel, along with an excellent taste in blue toned clothing can promise you raised awareness of issues such as lad culture (Watch out rugby boiz, he’s coming for you) and an assurance NUS will “provide informative decision making tools on international issues” because “as students we can make a real difference”. Yeah, but the real difference we want to see, Joel, is Dominoes switching back to the £19.99 for four two topping pizzas deal, not this measly one topping crap. Can you provide the tools for that?

Alex Ferguson

Putting aside the fact that Alex Ferguson seems to have been masquerading as a student for roughly 40 years, this candidate is far too confident of his own success. Yes, he’s deputy president of the Guild but is he really sure he’s #1 for NUS delegate as his Facebook page so proudly boasts?  Don’t count your chickens before they’ve hatched Alex. Having your photo up in the Guild might make you a demi-God but it doesn’t get you votes.

His Facebook page states that Alex will prioritise “affordable travel for students (cycling, buses and rail)”. Hard to believe when a yearly student bus pass in Liverpool still costs more than the profits gained selling your kidney on the black market. This optimistic chicken farmer has been hanging round the Guild for over a year now and the prices haven’t dipped.

He also promises to prioritise “fair support and funding models for societies”.

If these winning statements aren’t enough, however, Alex’s minimalist poster design is sure to win you over. The green text perfectly complements his eyes. Look into those eyes, imagine the bristles of that beard against your skin. Imagine him whispering about eliminating additional course costs in your ear softly. Vote for Alex, that face cries out, vote for Alex and be stuck with him for another half-century.

Jarrad Williams

Bloody hell, talk about double letters in a name Jarrad, you must have struggled when trying  to rearrange that into different words at primary school.

His name isn’t the only thing that has a lot in it – Jarrad’s prioritises list is longer than the queue at Starbucks on a cold morning when the female marketing students have a lecture. You could drink that spiced pumpkin latte faster than Jarrad could recite his campaign pressure topics.

Jarrad stands to defend & extend student grants, fight for free education, raise the minimum wage to £10 p/h, protect the NHS, support junior doctors, defend refugees’ rights, fight for equality for all and safeguard unions and rights at work. Anything else Jarrad? Or are we done? Are you lobbying Seaworld about the orcas as well? Are you swimming to sea-world and personally setting the killer whales free?

The real question about Jarrad though, lies in the propaganda of his poster. Are we voting for a socialist student representative here or the next Comrade Lenin coup? And which would be more exciting? A communist take over of the university or another left-wing NUS delegate? I vote for the hammer and sickle.

He said: “While the government attacks student grants and junior doctors, as a socialist I stand 100 per cent in solidarity with students and junior doctors and demand free education and a government climb-down on junior doctors contracts.”

Finally, let’s just mention that the raised fist on his poster is also used in the logo for the Librarians Against Digital Rights Management. Solidarity with the librarians, Jarrad – that’s the real fight for the NUS.

Mary Otasowie

Geography student. Fresher. Keen trampolinist.

Sold yet?

That’s all the information we could gather about this elusive candidate. Either she’s hiding something, or she’s had a nasty trampolining accident and hasn’t got round to adding her views to the poster.

Either way, Mary is one to watch as her nail biting campaign progresses this week. Will we be told anymore? Will we ever know what an SSCL representative is? Will the last full stop ever appear in that second paragraph of the poster? Will Mary make it to Friday the 13th , given that her poster looks like a program at a memorial service?

Oh Mary, I’m a little bit in love with you, you mistress of mystery.

Yasmin Gasimova

Ah, the jewel of the gems. The Tab’s very own Yasmin. What can we do but sing her praises?

Yasmin’s Facebook page kindly informs the reader that she’s a member of eight societies affecting change at the university – alright Yas, no need to boast, love – some of us struggle with time management alright? It also introduces us to her campaign catch phrase “Say Yaaaas to Yas”, which highlights her spectacular journalist skills and the worrying reliance candidates continue to place on puns winning our votes.

Yasmin’s topics of interest include mental health, the learning environment, widening participation and representation and university ethics. What’s more fascinating however, is her claim to have been vice-president of 24 festival drums. Will she drum her way into the NUS conference? Will she beat down any idiot who dares defy her thoughts with the solemn rhyme of justice?

“I’m a political fanatic who believes in truly fair democracy. My aim is to make sure that the variety of concerns Liverpool students have get represented on a national level- and I don’t want to let them down.”

Yasmin the Almighty, they will call her – Mother of Drums.

Gethin Watkins

When you type Gethin’s name into Word, spellcheck tries to change it to Gothic.

In his poster, you just can’t quite see his face. Is this symbolic? Is Gothic Gethin trying to tell use not to vote by appearances? Is he metaphorically saying don’t vote at all? Is the use of the third person on his Facebook page a purposeful attempt to lure you towards his professionalism? What are his stances?

He told us: “I stand for SUs to remain as places of free speech and critical thought supporting student welfare and activist movements.”

If Mary is the candidate of mystery in this electrifying election, then Gothic Gethin is the invisible hand. Vote for him at your peril my friends – we we know not what the future holds in Gethin’s hands.

The Other Lot

Unfortunately, not all the candidates running for the NUS delegate election have recognised that we live in the 21st century and therefore they don’t stand a chance of election unless they bombard their Facebook friends with tearful pleas to vote for them so they can improve their CVs.

Other candidates who haven’t set up Facebook pages include Sam Keely, Katie Buckingham, Danchen Yan, Samuel Adeyemi, Mustafa Ahmed, Amina Olabi, Bradley James Falcus, Nick Hobbs, Rehab Khan, Kelly Reynolds, James Myles, Liz Hancock, Jag Ahmed, Soundarya Srinivasagan and Sophie Scott.

Get voting, students of Liverpool – or don’t, but don’t tell Gethin.