Liverpool boys, we need to talk about your skinny jeans

I don’t need to see your balls


Maybe they worked back in 2011, but not today.

We saw the rise of the skinny jean a few years back, thanks to the rising popularity of the mass-produced punk-pop boy band. It was a time when every guy wore band tees, distinctive belts, and had their overgrown hair waxed to perfection. Ring any bells?

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“it’s very uncomfortable sometimes sitting down, especially in the library”

Not a day goes by on campus that you don’t see someone casually waddling to their next lecture over Abercromby Square, doing the occasional side-step to relieve their balls of whatever uncomfortable position their jeans are gripping the poor buggers in. It turns out, skinny jeans, as well as being an eyesore for the general public, are actually bad for men’s health.

Yep, you heard us. Studies have proven a small proportion of men suffer from erectile dysfunction and are becoming infertile as their balls are being squashed and twisted due to prolonged wear of skinny jeans. Ouch. Despite explaining what’s at risk, a lot a lot of guys don’t seem to be phased by these long-term consequences.

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Carpe Diem boys! Don’t worry about the future of your genitals.

It’s time to face the facts guys, skinny jeans are finished.

Gone are the days of having to jump up and down whilst pulling up your jeans by the belt loops, the days of not being able to cross one leg on top of the other whilst sitting down. No longer will you be late handing in that 4000 word essay because you spent 20 minutes pulling denim out your arse in the Sydney Jones.

We are living in exciting times – a time where every leg and buttock may live without fear of suffocation. Where there’s no need to cut off circulation to various body parts in the name of fashion. Sense over style is in.

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“your article won’t impact my choice because I look good”

With pieces like vintage Levi’s (or the Topman equivalent) emerging this year alongside 70’s fashion like flares, it is finally the end of skinny’s streak. Skip the five stages of grieving and just accept it.

Wouldn’t it be refreshing to be able to eat your lunch in the Guild in peace, not being bombarded with the clear shape of hundreds of male students’ bollocks parading around campus? Men, you are not peacocks, there is no need to parade what your daddy gave ya. When it comes to spreading the balls love, less is more. Please, do us all a favour and save it for the bedroom.

Whilst the trend is still too new to see the long-term impact this has on men’s health, if you’re one of those guys who can’t seem to keep it up, you may have found your answer. It’s not her (or him), it’s not the jeans, it’s you.