Everything that will ever happen to you at the Raz

You can never go wrong with the Raz: it’s cheap, it’s fun, and oh so shameful. The Tab proudly presents a guide to what happens whenever you go. It’s you all over. 

1. You’ll spend all of your day at uni asking people if they’ll go. Most respond with, “yeah of course.” Duh.
2. When asked yourself, you’ll respond with “I don’t want to, but I probably will.”
3. You go to Aldi and buy a cheap bottle of wine or cheap vodka just in case. 
4. One of your housemates states their bae is going so you have to wingman them. Guess you’re definitely going now. Took so much convincing.
5. You don’t bother showering because you’re going to be a hot, sweaty mess within 10 minutes of dancing to the likes of Jamie T and Shania Twain. There really is no point.
6. Your getting ready playlist consists of B*witched and Spice Girls, but when your friend walks in, you quickly change it to that “sick new deep house” jam.
7. As soon as they leave, you switch it back to Backstreet Boys. Clearly.
8. Don’t you dare forget to wear your “Raz shoes.” Can’t ruin those gorgeous New Balances, can we?
9. You start pre drinking.

   Before the shame xoxoox

10. Oh you’re drunk. So very very drunk. It is the Raz, you have to be.
11. You leave early to avoid the terribly long queue.
12. There’s still a fucking queue regardless.
13. Fine then, quick nip into La’Go for a tequila or five whilst your mates hold your place.
14. Despite how long you wait in the queue, your sobriety is no way near it’s 9pm level.
15. “Please Mr Bouncer, they’re with me. Can they go to the next barrier as well?”
16. You finally get in. You don’t realise it’s taken over an hour. But it’s so worth it.
17. You pay your £1.50 to the mysterious, middle aged scouse lady. And you quite proudly buy a Raz cap. You already have 3 at home, but you haven’t got one in that beautiful shade of purple and she really is selling it to you.
18. You rush to the bar and order 5 razbombs and a Fat Frog.

    Best pal + fat frog = life complete

19. You hobble down the sweat ridden, shame-filled staircase to the basement. Your eyes are fuzzing, your legs are wobbling and you lose your friends. You’re loving life.
20. You think you order one more raz bomb.
21. You think you pull?????
22. Oh you think you’ve pulled again???
23. “I swear I’ve already pulled you?”

    “Do you have a double bed?”

24. “Omg is that Jay from Gogglebox?”
25. “I swear that’s the fit 699 bus driver?”
26. You somehow, unbeknownst to you or your pathetic excuse of a memory, end up slumped up on the steps to the entrance of the Thai Massage parlour with a fag you don’t know how you obtained, crying to a fresher about how much you miss your ex. They understand, honestly.
27. You take a quick detour to the car park across the road and take some modelling shots.
28. You wander back inside.
29. You steal a fat frog or carlsberg from the side on your way back in from the smoking area. You never understand why they make people leave them there anyway.
30. You find your best gay pal, you smuggle him into the toilets. He’s seen your fanny before, it’s fine.
31. You lose you best gay pal immediately after returning to the basement.
32. You don’t remember anything for the next few hours. Fab. You think you have a great time performing an interpretative dance of Westlife – “When You’re Looking Like That.”

    Classic

33. You’re tired, horny and need bed.
34. You spot someone loitering in the dark. They seem as if they could be a solid 5/10. They look your way. They give you the magic “I’m horny and need bed too” eyes and you pull. To be fair to you, you do attempt to remember their name – what’s the difference between Callum and Colin anyway?
35. You then stagger out, holding onto them – as opposed to holding their hand – and flounder into a taxi.
36. You don’t remember the taxi journey or getting food en route.
37. You vaguely remember that they were fairly mediocre in bed.
38. You definitely remember how loudly they snore.
39. You pass out.
40. You wake up ashamed, but happy that you only spent £5.