Stuff your deep house, cheese nights are the true essence of UK clubbing

You might not plan to go to cheesy clubs when you start a night out, but when you stagger past their brightly lit doors and hear the speakers blaring out Spice Girls or B*Witched as you’re on your way out of Cava, you know there’s only one place you want to be: livin’ it large in Pop World.

Where else can you wear a fake moustache and get away with it?

Why waste the night in dirty basements listening to house music with no lyrics and a deafening beat, when you could be reliving your primary school days, grinding to the 80’s classic your mum used to screech whilst she did the washing up?

These houses of happiness play anything, from any era, as long as it’s well known and guaranteed to keep the crowd hittin’ it baby one more time. You will never enter a cheesy club and not know what song is playing straight away.

Another winning factor for these palaces of pop is the DJ. Whether it’s a shout out to that mate who brings the banter, or the request to play Westlife for the 5^th time in an hour, anything goes. The shout out might make you cringe more than the audience’s dance moves with DJ Derek, 45  insisting on shouting “Oggy, oggy, oggy” far too often, but DJs in these places know how to get you ‘cutting a rug’ on the dance floor. One thing’s for sure, DJs in cheesy clubs are much more accommodating than their more serious counterparts.

You need to pop your Pop World cherry

These kinds of clubs aren’t cool – but who gives a shit, they aren’t meant to be. When you make your way to the top floor of Level, find a space on the dance floor, and spend the next hour (or three) doing the Cha Cha Slide, dueting the Grease remix with a random stranger, and grinding on everyone as they try to squeeze past you through the packed dance floor, coolness just doesn’t register.

And if you’re looking for a pull, where else is better than midway into the Macarena?  Laurie Evans, a second year psychology student told The Tab “Cheesy clubs are always lucky for me. I always pull at Baa Bar. I don’t know why anyone wouldn’t want to go to them”.

boyz 4 dayz at cheesy clubs

You may need a whole bottle of wine, a couple of shots, and a quad-vod or two to get you in the mood, but when the atmosphere is right, there is nowhere better to be. While they may not hold the same reputation as oh-so-edgy Kitchen Street, cheesy clubs are a guaranteed good night out.

… As long as you’re not sober.